Colouring in the Tub

I like to do fun, unexpected things with Levi.  Sometimes I find ideas on Pinterest, and sometimes I just think of them randomly when I'm laying in bed at night or working on Uniquely Me Design orders during naptime.  I think I get more excited about these things than Levi does at this point, but he seems to have fun with them just the same! 

Today we did tub colouring!  I was going to wait until Levi had a bit of a meltdown (not that he has those...) so that I could pull this out of my bag of tricks and distract him from being grumpy...but I couldn't wait.  He didn't even get dressed before I said, "Levi, would you like to colour in the tub this morning?!"  We took his Crayola washable crayons (brilliant invention, especially when he was learning to keep his crayons on the paper! - http://www.crayola.com/browse-products/16-ct-crayola-washable-crayons.aspx), dried out the tub after our morning showers, and went to work!  Levi had a blast.  The first few marks were cautious.  Levi knows very well that he's not supposed to colour anywhere except paper so he would hold a crayon over a part of the tub and look at me with question in his eyes.  I just smiled and said "yup!" and he drew.  Then he moved to another piece of tub and looked up at me again, making sure it was ok.  Before too long, he was just scribbling happily away.  I haven't tested how well it comes off the tub yet...I'm assuming since it comes off everything else with water, that it will just wipe right off...but it might leave some colourful marks for a couple weeks.  I'll let you know. 

Levi's colour of choice this morning was orange, as you can see.  He really seems to like it ever since I told him that orange has yellow in it (yellow is his #1 favourite colour right now...but orange will do in a pinch.  Unless there is green...GREEN GO!)

I'm so thankful that I have a little almost-2 year old to do these things with.  It just wasn't quite the same before we had kids when I had to do them by myself...

*Not even 5 minutes later, the tub is perfectly clean.  I used a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser since I was cleaning the entire tub while I was at it and it wiped off easily, with zero scrubbing and zero colour left behind! I'm sure they would have come off just as easily with a damp cloth.  

Bump

The bump is definitely growing.  Shall we compare this bump with my Levi-bump at this point?  Sure, just for fun...

Yup, with #2 everything is stretched out already and it just grows and grows and grows some more.  But I'm still really comfortable.  So thankful for that...

It's a boy!

or a girl...one of the two. :)

We had our halfway ultrasound yesterday and the biggest and best part is that baby is growing normally and looks healthy.  And was moving around TONS!  Levi always moved around alot too during ultrasounds and while the doctors tried to find his heartbeat so it wasn't a huge surprise to see baby squirming and shifting and kicking and turning away from the ultrasound wand when we were trying to get a good picture.  The ultrasound technician said that I'm 17w2d according to the size of Baby which is exactly where I would put myself.  My doctor keeps saying that I'm about a week ahead of that but I'm not expecting Baby until closer to the end of February if nature decides when he/she comes.  That said, I'll gladly and graciously welcome Baby earlier than the due date if that's when he/she wants to make his/her appearance! (Man, I've got to come up with something other than typing his/her and he/she all the time)  Here's a sneak peek of Baby...isn't he/she cute?? (baby in in top half of picture, head on left, body on right...profile shot)

Oh, and because some of you aren't on fb, here's the latest belly shot too:

This was taken at the end of August at about 15 weeks.

Silence

When I was at Bible college, one of the girls decided (felt called?) to fast from talking.  As in, she didn't utter a word (except in class when necessary) for I don't remember how long.  A week maybe?  I sometimes think about this and wonder how long I would last without using words.  I doubt it would be as difficult for me as it was for this girl (she liked using words alot), but still, would I be able to do it?  As a mother, probably not. But still.  It would be fun to try.  The silence would be refreshing, I think. :)

I love silence.  Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while probably knows that already.  I thrive in stillness and quiet.  I need my time alone on a regular basis to recharge.  And the more I learn this about myself (and learn that this is how I was created and that it's not a bad thing), the more I've been learning to anticipate times and activities that are more likely to make me tired and to plan for them.  I wish this meant withdrawing from anything that sounds tiring, but that really isn't a practical option.  Instead, I try to make sure that Nathan will be around to help with Levi a bit more or that I use my quiet time (aka Levi's naptime) wisely if I know that there is something big coming.  I also try to take time away from the house BY MYSELF once in a while as nothing recharges me like being completely alone and having no agenda and nobody to answer to.

A few months ago, I was talking to someone in our new church and she was asking if I had found a good group of friends yet.  I told her that, honestly, I spent alot of time at home rather than bouncing from mom's group to mom's group, coffee date to coffee date, as the thought of being out like that was just exhausting. (She didn't understand as she's about as extroverted as "they" come!) Have I missed out on friendships that could have been developing this year because I've been at home?  Probably.  Have I made the transition to a new community and church with minimal stress and exhaustion?  Yes.  Was it worth the occasional loneliness I've felt this year as I look around and see other friendship groups functioning around me and am left feeling a bit like an outsider?  I'd say it has.

In the beginning, I felt quite guilty about my silence in this new community.  I felt bad that, as a pastor's wife especially, I wasn't volunteering for everything, setting up coffee dates a couple times a week, and frequenting every mom's group that I could find in the area - the one at our church being at the top of my list.  But as I've felt my energy staying up (for the most part) and my stress levels down (especially compared to previous moves in the past 7 years), I've gotten over the guilt and started to accept myself as I am and focus on taking care of myself, despite what other people may expect (or what I expect other's to be expecting from me).

Would a vow of silence help my cause?  Probably not.  But wouldn't it be a fun experiment?  I think it would be fun to get a dozen people to vow not to talk for a week (except when absolutely necessary - work/school) and then hear afterward how the experience was for everyone.  It would be interesting to see how vastly different everyone is and see that there is as much wrong with being on the quiet end of the spectrum as on the talkative end: Nothing.  We are all created to be who we are.  We really need to start accepting that and taking care of ourselves where we are at.  Does that mean never stepping out of our comfort zones?  No.  Does that mean never doing anything that we don't want to do?  Absolutely not.  But it does mean understanding who you are and how you'll react to a situation, and then adjusting life around it to ensure your continued health?  I think so.

This is all rambling.  I'm writing at the end of a long day in the city, full of people and busyness and crowds.  I'm tired, and when I'm tired my thoughts and words don't flow as well as they do when I've spent a relaxing, routine day at home.  Maybe I should save this post for another day and re-write it when I'm feeling more rested and full.  But then again, my point wouldn't be proven quite as effectively then :)  Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently to life.  I like silence.  Others like noise.  And that's ok.  Where do you fall on the silence/noise spectrum?  How would you handle a week-long vow of silence?

Afterthought:  I should add that, as I become more comfortable in this place, I will continuously put myself out there more and more and increasingly push myself out of my comfort zone. And I certainly haven't been a hermit this year, despite how I would have loved that at times!  But I know that when we were first married, we moved to a community and I spent the entire time (especially the first year or two) putting myself out there and I felt tired all the time, discouraged because friendships didn't develop quickly - no matter my effort, and guilty whenever I skipped an opportunity to step out.  With this move, I have simply given myself permission to not say 'yes' to everything and to take my time getting to know people and it has proven to be a healthier decision on my part. I do believe that we need to be a light in our communities and get to know people, and that means stepping out of our comfort zones. I also believe that self-care is alot more important than I ever thought before. Also, I need to remain attached to the Vine so that, when I am being called to step out, I know that it is something God is calling me to and that He will provide the strength it requires.

Reading

I love reading Levi books.  He tends to have favourites that he gravitates to every time: 

This is a fairly decent selection of books, and sometimes he strays from these, but I usually read him at least one or two from this list every day.  I can't complain...most of them have a good amount of words and a good variety of themes.  It's not like he wants the same firetruck book read over and over and over...at least not yet!

I bought him some new books today at the MCC thrift store!  It's hard to beat 25-50c a book!  You never know what Levi is going to love and latch onto and what will sit on the shelf for the next 6 months, unopened.  But here are a few of the classics I stumbled upon that certainly brought back fond memories for me! 

We'll see if Levi likes any of these :)  And then this evening, after I tucked Levi into bed, I scouted amazon.ca looking for a few more memories and found these:

Do any of these books bring back memories for you?  It's amazing how it just takes me back in time to even just see these covers.  It's like I'm sitting in my mom's lap at bedtime, on the bottom bunk of the beds my sister and I shared, with my brother on one side and my sister on the other.  It's like I'm getting that book for my birthday all over again, or tucking it into my backpack in grade 1 as I take it home to practice my reading.  Memories are powerful, yes?  It's so much fun to look back...

Reminiscent and my Style

Nathan made a comment the other day. "Do you not like wearing colour?" I was caught off guard and said that of course I liked colour as I've always though of myself as someone who wears lots of colour!  Definitely not someone who is afraid of colour by any means...but then I got thinking.

I was folding laundry tonight and I noticed the following:
- one black t-shirt
- one blue at-home-only bunny hug
- one yellow shirt
- one deep purple t-shirt

And what I took off after wearing today:
- one brown hoodie
- one deep green t-shirt (don't judge...so I don't always match)

Ok, so this doesn't prove my point very well cause it looks like I have lots of colour in my everyday wardrobe.  My actual point is that I don't really have much colour at all!  And most of the colour I have is dull and rich, not bright and sparkly.  And it got me thinking.  I used to have tons of colour in my wardrobe.  What happened?  I went to dig through my high school photos to find some proof of a much livelier wardrobe from the past.

As I flipped through my high school photo album, I noticed that 98% of the clothing that I was wearing throughout the entire album (spanning 3 years of life) was either:
a) blue
b) white
c) black
d) brown

Huh?  What happened to the rainbow pallet that I was remembering?  There was only one picture in my entire album of me in a red shirt!  ONE!  So alas, I didn't take out any pictures to share with you to prove my point that I used to dress in colour.  (BUT I did snatch a few snapshots to share, just because it's fun!  And boy do they look dated.  And boy do I look young! But you'll have to wait until the end of the post to see 'em!)

Anyway, back to clothes.  It has me thinking.  WHY do I not wear colour?  I don't think I'm afraid of it.  I don't think I look bad in it.  Perhaps I'm so concerned about looking "my age" that I avoid colour in hopes of looking older?  Perhaps I have such a limited wardrobe that I feel like buying a red or purple or orange shirt would be inefficient (because all my clothes have to earn their keep in my closet and if EVERYTHING doesn't match with EVERYTHING else, I probably won't pick it up off the rack). But that said, I'm feeling like those are pretty lame excuses for a boring wardrobe!  I mean, I used to wear the fortrel pants and polyester shirts out of my mom's wardrobe from the 1970's without a second thought.  I had a shirt that was red gingham with pearlized snaps down the front that friends actually used to joke about having a picnic on (oh wait, I still have that one but haven't worn it in years!).  So what changed? 

I guess you can get away with anything in high school and I don't feel like you can get away with quite as much as an adult.  *sigh*  How boring.  My wardrobe used to really express who I was.  I had fun getting dressed in the morning.  I would spend hours before bed in the evening trying on different outfits, trying to find something interesting to wear the next day.  And I enjoyed it!  Now, I put on the easiest thing.  Jeans.  T-shirt.  Zip-up sweatshirt. (And it doesn't even take much thought because everything matches!) 6 out of 7 days, this is what I wear. And most of the time there is very little colour to it.  Browns, blacks, blues, greys.  I have the occasional yellow, orange, purple...but nothing amazing.  Nothing sparkly.  Nothing that says "look at me!  I'm having fun with life!" (sidenote: maybe I don't want people to notice me...hmm...maybe I'll feel too conspicuous if I dress any livelier...hmm...now that is hitting just a little too close to home.  Moving on!)

I think I need to pay more attention the next time I go shopping and intentionally buy some fun, not just functional, clothes.  That is, once I'm shopping for post-maternity clothes.  Or maybe maternity clothes is a good place to start experimenting?  If I hate them, I only have to wear them for the next 5 months...

But anyway, if you've survived my late-night ramblings, you have earned these.  Behold, I share with you a few snippets of my high school photo album.  Enjoy!

Permed hair days...me front and center (well, left-center)

Permed hair AND round glasses :D

Me in my high school soccer days...yes, those are hot peppers on my pants. I wore them through multiple games because it got so cold during soccer season.  And I loved them.  I'm pretty sure my little brother made them in home ec and they were too short for him so he cut them off to my length and gave them to me :D

More high school soccer.  I loved those out of town games...especially the trips to and from them!

Aah, the carefree days of summer.  Well, maybe full of drama is more accurate.  Remember high school drama?  See the hand on the right-hand side pushing the merry-go-round?  That was my high school crush of 2 or 3 years and first boyfriend.  Notice the conveniently placed blur over the face in the top-right corner?  Haha...just wanted to be considerate and protect his identity :D

Me-->M-->my sister, A, at our baptism at a river near my hometown

My first, and only, mugshot.

I'M WEARING RED!!! This is the one picture in my album that I was talking about where I'm wearing red.  I should really wear it more.  I'm smokin' in red...

And last but not least, me and M at our high school graduation.  Aah...that feels like so, so long ago...

Levi and Sharing

Levi is like any almost two year old, only child.  Sharing isn't his favourite thing.  Surprise!  My child isn't perfect, as much as I like to try to convince you that he is :)  When other kids come and take his toys, or the the toy he's playing with, or the toy that he WAS playing with but had previously moved on from, he gets upset.  If I put myself into his shoes, I can relate.  As adults, how much do we actually have to share the things that mean the most to us?  Toys are the only things that kids have that are THEIRS, or at least that they feel some sense of ownership over.  And then we make them hand them over to other kids their age.  Wouldn't you feel threatened or resistant if you had to hand over your loofa or your journal or your kitchen (ladies?) to someone who might mess it up or not give it back?  Think about it.  Handing over the things that are most "yours" can't be easy. That said, sharing is an important life lesson to learn and I'm certainly in agreement that kids need to learn to share. :) 

Yesterday we were watching a football game with some friends.  These friends have kids.  Kids who are Levi's age.  And there were lots of toys to go around.  That said, there were a few favourite toys that everyone wanted.  Levi happens to love tractors with trailers (especially ones that make noise), ride-on cars (especially ones that make noise) and toy guitars (especially ones that make noise).  Every other kid there seemed to like these things especially much as well. At one point in the afternoon, I watched in amusement as Levi noticed that a little girl, who is about a year older than himself, was playing with the coveted toy guitar.  His eyes locked on the guitar and he considered for a moment what he would do.  He glanced up at the girl, then back at the guitar in her hands.  Finally he walked over and took the guitar from the girl. (not my proudest mommy-moment but kids need to sort things out on their own so I sat back and continued to observe)  Then Levi started backing away slowly with the guitar in his hands, keeping eye contact with the girl (I think I may have seen a little uncertainty in his eyes).  He was obviously thinking, "I know I shouldn't be doing this but she's not doing anything about it so...am I actually getting away with this?"  Then he quickly threw out a "thank-you!" and booked it with the guitar.  I was almost peeing myself laughing!  Am I happy that my boy took a toy away from another kid?  No, definitely not.  But am I proud and very amused  that he thought to say thank you?  Absolutely!  What a kid.  "Thank you for letting me steal this toy from you." That is definitely our son...

Blue or Pink, that is the question...

It's almost ultrasound time.  As in, halfway through pregnancy and time to decide whether we want to find out the gender.  And Nathan and I really don't know what we want to do.  Do we find out early?  Do we wait until the delivery room? 

With Levi, we didn't find out.  I didn't want to know, Nathan didn't want to know.  So we didn't.  Well, we wanted to know, but we wanted the surprise at the end even more.  We also decided to wait until the end because we wanted the delivery room surprise at least once.  We knew that we might find out the genders of later children because we're not opposed to doing that, but we knew that waiting until the end would be so much harder if we'd already found out the gender at ultrasound time with #1. 

So here we are again.  Do we peek or not?  With Levi, I had a strong feeling early on that it was a boy...and it was!  This time I have a strong feeling again.  So naturally I want to find out if I'm right.  BUT, as of last night, there's another reason I want to know.  I have dreams.  They are usually quite vivid and detailed.  Before we had Levi (like, a couple years before?) I dreamed that we had a little dark-haired baby boy named Levi.  And then we did.  Last night, I dreamed that this baby was a boy.  (and that Nathan wanted to name him Belteshazzar, but I'm pretty sure that part isn't prophetic.)  So now that has me wondering too!  I honestly don't care which gender this baby is.  I wouldn't be disappointed either way.  But I'm really curious and those last few weeks before Levi was born were TORTURE as we waited to find out WHO was in there! 

I'm not a big surprise person.  I don't mind surprises if I don't know that they're coming (surprise party, anyone?).  But if I know that something is coming and I'm not allowed to know what, that drives me up the wall! (sidenote: I went to our church's youth group throughout high school and our youth group had a planning committee made up of our youth leaders and a few youth.  I wasn't on the planning committee but one or two of my closest friends were and they would often plan events and not give out any details about what was happening.  Yet they would hint about them and talk about them with other committee members, even when I was there.  It drove me crazy and I never enjoyed the events more because they were a "surprise."  Never.)  I kinda think this situation could fit into that category, right?  May as well find out and I can still be surprised at birth with how our little one looks and what his/her temperament is like and such.  On the other hand, I've always been taught to not peek at Christmas gifts as it will ruin Christmas morning.  So part of me is wondering if peeking at the gender during the ultrasound will ruin delivery day.  Alot of me thinks it's totally different and I'm fairly certain that I won't actually mind knowing ahead of time and not having that surprise at the end.  But what if I regret finding out?  What if? 

Nathan and I are totally on the same page about this.  He feels just like I do.  He's curious.  He feels like we've had the surprise once and that it would be fun to know this time.  So who knows what we'll do.  What I'm really wondering is WHAT DO YOU THINK?  Did you find out your kids' genders via ultrasound?  If you haven't had kids, would you find out if you were in this situation?  Did you regret your decision (either to find out or to leave it a mystery)?  Has anyone out there found out via ultrasound and had it be wrong?  Do share your thoughts and experiences!

Before our ultrasound, Nathan and I will decide which way we are going to go and probably won't give out any details either way :)  We're quite on the fence and could go either way.  It really depends on the hour with us.  But add your voice to the swirling thoughts in my head and give me your two cents!  Go!

Levi's Birthday Wishlist

Because alot of Levi's family doesn't see him on a regular basis, here are a few things that Levi likes right now.  Might be some birthday/Christmas ideas here? (starred items are ones he especially seems to enjoy)  And don't feel like you need to get him anything.  If nothing else, this list can just be a glimpse into who this little boy is :)

- *lawn mowers
- dump trucks
- loaders
- diggers
- motorcycles
- *school busses
- *semi trucks
- garbage trucks
- *tractors
- *alphabet (has seen the Leap Frog magnetic alphabet toys on people's fridges and LOVES them)
- books
- tools/fixing
- animals
- *trains
- airplanes
- boats
- *trampolines

And for clothes, Levi wears:
- size 2T or 24m
- shoes: size 6

This is definitely not an exhaustive list.  Levi likes ALL toys :) He isn't too picky!

Proud Mama and Belly Update

First off, I have been such a proud mommy these past, well, 2 years really.  But in the last 6 months it seems like our "baby" has turned into such a big boy!  He is sleeping in a big boy bed, he is talking more and more all the time (and making sense more than just random words), he is displaying that he has a long(er) term memory as he recounts stories from days/weeks ago, he is diaper-less (with basically no accidents (night or day), he is high-chair-less (preferring to sit on a stool at the table rather than in his chair, which is now in the basement because it just wasn't being used), he understands basic reasoning (you don't want to put on your pants but we can't go outside if you don't put on your pants so would you rather have no pants inside or put on pants and go outside?).  He even calls himself a "boy" instead of a "baby" now.  What a little man we've been raising.  He is a delight, that's for sure.  He still doesn't sleep through the night on a regular basis, often getting up once or twice or three times a night.  We take him potty and put him back to bed and sometimes that works and sometimes he just wants a "mommy hug" or "rock-rock"... which sounds sweet but is really code for "let me stay awake longer so I can ask for more things like water, stories, etc").  One day he'll sleep through the night though, or at least take himself to the pottty when he wakes up and oh what a day that will be!

The pregnancy has been going well.  I'm feeling back to my "old" self again, except that I have a bump.  My energy is returning (wasn't sure I'd ever see that again) and what little nausea there was has been gone for a few weeks now.  It's funny, when we talk about having more kids, Nathan says, "Oh man, I don't know.  Remember those first couple months and how hard they were?" And I remind him that I didn't even puke once and had relatively zero nausea that was gone before the second trimester.  I have it almost as easy as anyone when it comes to first trimester sickness.  True, I felt like I was going to die from lack of energy, but really it's not so bad.  I think Nathan must just be used to me being able to do stuff around the house and it hurts him when I'm just laying around with tears in my eyes because I couldn't possibly walk from the table to the kitchen sink or lift another spoonful of lasagna to my mouth because I just don't have the energy.  It sounds funny now, but truly, that's how my days were.  I was just.so.tired.  But that's gone now for a couple months.  Yay!  Well, Levi is going to wake up from his nap any time now so I'll leave you with the latest belly shot.  And for comparison, I'll also include a belly shot from last time so you can see how much bigger I am this time (no twins, as much as I wouldn't have minded...we've already had an ultrasound and, unless they aren't telling me something, we have one little nugget in there, not two).

3 mos - 15-16w - BABY #2

4.5 mos - 20w - LEVI

Picture Post!

I just realized as I was resizing these photos for uploading that Levi is either in gitch or naked in all of the pictures.  Hmm...it's not that I'm trying to show off the fact that my 22 month old boy is potty trained (though he is).  It's not that I'm trying to show you how incredibly cute he is in gitch (though he is).  It's just so hot in our house this summer that often Levi just plays like this.  So be it.  He's got the rest of his life to wear clothes...

Sidenote: Levi loves to refer to himself as "cowboy" these days.  He's no longer "baby."  He points to himself and either says, "boy" or "cowboy."  LOVE IT!

Baby News

Guess what, everyone?  Baby #2 is on it's way!  Levi is going to be a big brother!  We're going to have TWO kids.  Now that is crazy.  But...BUT...the numbers are still on our side.  One kid to one adult.  Those are workable numbers.  When numero tres comes to town, look out!  More kids than adults could get interesting!  But who knows if that will even happen :)  So we'll just deal with #2 and see where we go from there.

So yeah!  Pregnant again.  We never did stop trying after Levi was born.  I wanted our kids close.  Like, really close.  My max age span was 2 years apart.  I really wanted the first two 13-18 months apart (my sister and I are just over 13 months apart and I love it) but when we didn't get pregnant within the first year of Levi's life, I knew I could write that off!  Nice thing was, when Levi was 17 months old I was SO glad that we weren't adding another little munchkin to the clan right then!  This timing is looking like it will be perfect.

Want to know the greatest thing about the impending arrival of baby #2?  Baby is due in February.  Do any long-time blog readers remember the significance of February when it comes to the timing of our children?  (read here for the beginning of the story) Long story short, as we were struggling through infertility, at one point I felt God telling me to expect a baby in February.  My best guess would be that this was in 2007-08 sometime.  February's came and went and still no baby.  Finally, on February 13, 2010 we had our first positive pregnancy test in over 3 years of trying.  And Levi was born that October.  So, do you see the interesting twist in this story?  I assumed that the February prophecy had been fulfilled in full, seeing as we found out we were expecting a baby in February.  When I figured out that we were expecting this baby to be born in February, I was floored!  How crazy is that?  Now, the wildest thing would be if the next baby was actually conceived in February.  But we won't push it.  So that's the crazy God-story about February.

We found out that we were expecting in mid-June.  Alot earlier than with Levi.  I had been taking my temperature so I kinda knew when I was late and wondered if I could be pregnant but also felt like it just simply hadn't been long enough trying for pregnancy to be possible.  (I assumed that it took us a minimum of 3 years to conceive a baby, rather than other people's one to six cycles) I saw the positive on the test and ran out and told Nathan.  I'm pretty sure I was dancing a bit too :D

It's a strange feeling when you get pregnant so quickly (first year of "trying" was basically a write-off so I'd say this baby took us 8-9 months) after having the first take so long.  It's a feeling of shock.  It's a feeling of disbelief.  It's a feeling of "is it really that easy?" and "I don't have to endure years of negative pregnancy tests first?"  It's a feeling of finally feeling like a "normal" couple and then having your former, infertile-couple self feel a bit jealous of the new you and shun you.  I'm no longer in the infertility camp.  Women who struggle with infertility no longer see me as one of them.  Can I still relate?  Do I even have anything to say to a woman who is in the midst of infertility?  I do remember the emotions.  I do remember the feeling of hopelessness and the questions and the grief.  And yet I'm not there anymore.  So where do I belong?  I also don't feel like I'm completely on the side of being a "normal" couple who might plan the birthdates of their kids or take pregnancy for granted.  I cling to each wave of nausea.  Each muscle cramp.  Each day of dressing my swelling abdomen like a new accessory is a miracle that I feared I might never experience again.

So this is where I am.  Where we are.  How am I feeling? Less nauseous than last time.  Different things work for me to eat or don't work for me to eat than last time.  When I was 11 or 12 weeks pregnant and showing as much as 17 weeks last time (baby #2 is DIFFERENT!).  I am exhausted beyond belief.  Yowzers, I could just sleep forever.  And yet, the thing is that even when my mind isn't tired or when I'm not actually sleepy, my body is just TIRED.  I once read that every day that you're pregnant takes as much energy as running a marathon.  I'm starting to believe that.  Running after an almost 2 year old this time is alot different than sitting on the couch in California last time and napping whenever my body desired.  I am preserving energy wherever I can, people.  Dishes don't get done after every meal (ok, when has that ever happened beyond the first month of marriage).  Laundry doesn't get put away (though part of the reason for that is because Nathan doesn't want me lifting the heavy laundry baskets). But Levi and Nathan are being loved.  And I'm taking care of myself and baby.  And I consider those my most important jobs these days. 

Thanks for reading, everyone.  If you'd like to say a quick prayer for us today, you can pray that I'll have energy to do the things that need to get done and that baby will grow to be beautiful and healthy and a good sleeper.

Away

It's been 7 weeks since I've updated my blog.  Wow.  I'm pretty sure that's the longest break I've ever taken since I started blogging in May of 2006.  Six years I've been blogging.  Crazy.  Seems like forever and no time at all.  After 6 years, it has started to feel like I just don't have anything left to write.  I started blogging because I pictured this becoming a place where I would update family and friends about our life and how our children were growing and changing.  When we didn't get pregnant, my blog became a bit of an infertility forum, documenting what I was feeling as we lived through infertility, though still being a place to write about random life happenings.  And then we got pregnant and, now that I finally have my chance to blog about the things that I started my blog in order to blog about, I've found that I have no desire to blog anymore.  Strange how that works.

I have been feeling like:
- I would rather keep in touch with people on a one-on-one basis
- I would rather share deeply with only the people I choose to share with and not the whole blogosphere (though I don't regret my sharing here in the past one bit)
- I would rather spend my discretionary time during the day doing things that I choose to do, not doing things that I feel like I *should* be doing...like blogging
- I have run out of things to say.  When I started blogging, I was inspired to write.  These days I have been inspired by other things.  I've been inspired to make things, to work on our yard and home, to come up with fun things for Levi and I to do together. 

I wouldn't necessarily call this the absolute end of my blog, except that I don't really want my blog to be one that just drags on with one post here and one post there.  I'd rather be fully committed or willing to let go and say that I'm done.  So, everyone?  I'm done.  Wow.  That was actually hard to type.  But it's the right decision.  I'm done.

It's been a fun ride.  I've enjoyed meeting people and getting to know people through blogging.  Thanks for all the support you, my blog readers, have given me over the years. I've enjoyed having the creative outlet to throw my writing out to the world and the place to share my thoughts.  But now I just have to say good-bye.  And spend time with my boy.  And my husband.  And throw my energy into HOME-making.  Thank you all for following along.  Feel free to contact me via fb or email if you're interested in catching up :)  And who knows?  When Levi grows up and I find myself with more time on my hands, I may indeed be inspired to write once again...we'll just have to wait and see!

Home(s)

I've been thinking lately about the different places that I've called home in my life.  Places I've lived since I was 5 are the places that have the most memories in them (obviously).  Paraguay is special to me in a different way, but it doesn't really come to mind in the same category as other places I've called home.  But isn't it interesting how living in a place for a time just etches it into your mind and heart and it's sometimes hard to let go? 

H.B. - I spent my entire elementary and high school years in HB.  All my childhood memories are from there.  I graduated high school there.  I was proposed to there.  I was married there.  My parents and grandma and some uncles/aunt/cousins still live there.  HB will always be home to me in one way or another!  I don't look forward to the day when I have no reason to go back there...

H-burn - While this place does have wonderful memories for me (Bible college, meeting Nathan, dating Nathan, being engaged to Nathan, bringing our first child home to H-burn), it's always been a transitory place and therefore has a bit of a different feel to me.  I was never settled there.  I never let my roots go down deep because I always knew that I would be leaving before long.  I've lived in H-burn a total of about 22 months over the span of about 7 years, but those months were split up over 3 different periods of time.  Hepburn has always been a place about looking ahead to what's next, though obviously still enjoying the present.

A-town - The first place Nathan and I lived after being married (besides our 3 month stay at camp!) was A-town!  It was the place we had our first apartment, the place we bought our first house, the place both of us had our first "real" jobs.  It was the place where we made the transition from kids to adults...and what an interesting transition that was!  haha.  Oh boy.  A-town attracted us because it was far from parents and gave us a good opportunity to solidify our marriage by being on our own without a parental "safety net," so to speak.  I'd say that was a good decision on our part, but after a few years, we were really wishing that we were a bit closer to family when it came to holidays, especially since A-town is so family-oriented - something I appreciate very much about it.  A-town is where we thought we would start our family, where we dreamed of bringing our first child home to.  A-town is where we got our first dog and where we thought our kids would one day go to school.  We made friends there, we were involved in a church there, we worked there and played there and put down roots there.  It truly became home over the 4 years that we were there and it still feels like home when we drive through.

California! - While we knew we were only in California for a short time and, in the same way as H-burn, it was a transient place for us, it became home and stole my heart in a completely different way than H-burn did.  Maybe it had something to do with the people we met there and the community in which we lived.  Maybe it was because we were so far from the Canadian border that we had to make ourselves at home for fear of being incredibly homesick if we didn't.  Whatever it was, I find my mind and heart being drawn back to that place alot these days.  Smells on the street here take me back to the Vallarta across the street from where we lived.  The cool but warming-up mornings this spring remind me of the winter/spring weather down there in January/February.  And while the people we met there are now spread across Canada/the USA, I still find myself wanting to road trip down there and spend some time in that place that became home for those 9 months that we were there.  Plus, that's the place Levi started his life, where we thought we lost him, and where we got almost weekly glimpses of our growing baby via ultrasound.  That alone made it a special place :)

W-town - And now we live in this place and it's exactly what we prayed for and already it's special.  It's a small town in the province where we wanted to be.  Great church.  Wonderful people.  We love it here and already we're dreaming of Levi going to school here, hopefully bringing a few more children home to this place, and maybe, just maybe, having our children graduate here!  That's a bit of a long shot, but we hope that we are here to stay and already, after only 8 months, we have so many great memories in this place. 

Which of your homes is the most special or memorable to you?  Which was most transient?  Which was your least favourite?  Homes are interesting things, no?

Will the introverts please stand?

I was talking to someone this morning at church who asked if I had connected with alot of other moms here in town since we moved here.  I said that I hadn't really, that I wasn't going to any moms groups or anything like that and was giving myself time to just settle into routine and get to know the town at my own pace.  She began talking about wanting to invite some young moms over for coffee so that they could get to know each other.  I said that this was a great idea but also mentioned that I'm an introvert so I don't even really notice if I go weeks without really talking to anyone besides Nathan and Levi.  She was astounded and this led into an interesting conversation about the differences between extroverts and introverts.  (She is about as extroverted as they come!)  Funny, though, we realized that while I was more extroverted when in high school, she was more introverted and hardly talked to anybody.  Interesting how things change because now we are both fairly far on our sides of extrovertedness and introvertedness.  Huh.

Anyway, I mentioned this conversation to Nathan on the drive home from church and he mentioned that there was something on facebook about how to care for introverts.  I read through these and was like, "yup!"  People get me and there are other people out there like me (obviously alot)...so my question is: why is the world still hung up on #12??  :D

Are there any other introverts out there reading this?  How does this list sound to you?  Accurate?

A-Z

I'm totally stealing this from someone else's blog...thanks Erica!  I figure it's been a couple years since I've randomly given out facts about myself so here ya go!

A. Age: 2012-1985=26, turning 27 (yup, I have to do the math)

B. Bed size: Queen

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the bathroom, specifically the tub/shower

D. Dogs: yep.  I have had a total of 5 dogs in my life!

E. Essential start to your day: being allowed to wake up slowly 

F. Favorite color: depends for what!  yellow, grey, teal, green...

G. Gold or Silver: Silver (or white gold) :D

H. Height: 4'10"

I. Instruments you play: piano

J. Job title: wife and mama, small business owner (wow, I like the sounds of that...)

K. Kids: LEVI!

L. Live: small town

M. Mother’s name: Irene

N. Nicknames: Niki, for a while there Dollface was sorta on the list :p

O. Overnight hospital stays: tonscilectomy when I was 3, 4 nights when I had Levi

P. Pet peeves: incorrect grammar/punctuation, people being inconsiderate of others

Q. Quote from a movie: "Sanka mon, whatcha smoking?" "I'm not smoking, I'm breathing!" 

R. Right- or left-handed: Right.

S. Siblings: 2... older sister, younger brother

T. Tastes you do not like: salad dressing, coffee, cream cheese

U. Underwear: yes?

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: sweet potatoes, water chestnuts, warm chunks of zucchini

W. What makes you run late: Not being organized ahead of time

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Ha!  Just had one today!  Well, Levi did, but I'm sure they must have caught the edge of my hand as I held Levi's arm down to check out his wrist!


Y. Yummy food that you make: For a person who spent the first 20+ years loathing the very existance of pizza, I do make a variety of AMAZING pizzas!

Z. Zoo animal: Lemurs!  I saw some in the zoo in Fresno and they were SO much fun to watch!  By far the best zoo animal I've ever seen.


Hey hey, that's it!  Time for me to go!  So, whadda ya say? Are you going to steal this and give me some random facts about yourself on your blog??

Oh, and here's one more random fact that I learned this week: Putting two spaces after a period in a sentence isn't the correct way of typing anymore.  If you don't believe me, google it. It's true.

Doodles

Our little Levi learned a new word tonight at supper. 

"Noodle."

He said it over and over again as he was very excited about the noodles he was eating.

Except no matter how much he practiced, it always came out as "doodle."

hehe...what a sweetie.

His daddy and I really are so in love with him, and growing more and more in love every day.

Is this normal?

I have a 17 month old.  I love my 17 month old to bits.  He is wonderful.  He is fun.  He is energetic and exploring and learning...busy.  Busy is good!  Busy is healthy.  But busy leaves me tired.

I've noticed in the last few weeks/months that I guard my naptimes agressively. As soon as Levi is in bed for his nap, my mind goes in 20 million directions trying to figure out what the best use of my "free" time would be.  I almost panic trying to come up with just the right thing to do so that I won't feel as though I wasted even a minute of the precious time I have to myself that day. And if something threatens to come in the way of that time, watch out.  Don't distract me.  Don't ask me to do anything out of the blue during that time.  Don't come into my space.  I have only limited time every day to do my own thing and be alone.  And I never know how long that time will be so if I get distracted by something/someone unexpectedly and Levi wakes up, it could be another 24 hours before I get some time to myself again. 

It struck me lately that this just doesn't feel...healthy?  normal?  It's gotten to the point where I'd rather not eat lunch with Nathan (Levi naps over lunch time) because it means that I have less time to myself.  I'd rather sit and read or crochet or even just creep around facebook than ask my husband how his morning was.  That doesn't seem right.  And yet...that's my energize time.  That's my "keeping sane" time.  I feel like I need that time... 

Is it ok to ignore everything else during that naptime each day?  Is it ok to guard it protectively?  Is it ok to hope that nothing unexpectedly comes in the way of it?  *sigh*  Does anyone else feel like this?  Does anyone have any suggestions?  I feel like I'm at a place where I either need to be ok with being distracted or else give myself permission to guard that time ...

On worship...

Something that I've experienced many times but only put words to this morning is how, when moving to a new place, worship is something I miss.  Not worship in general, as that goes wherever a person goes.  But worshiping with the certain group of people.  I had never really realized this before.  I assumed that just because I found a new community of believers to worship with, worship went with me.  But things change.  Different worship leaders lead worship differently.  Each leader guides the congregation into worship in their own way...in the way they are gifted.  Every once in a while, I'll be listening to worship music and certain songs will take me right back to a "congregation" that I've been a part of and a certain worship leader who was leading in that place and time.  Worshiping together is a very intimate and special thing for the Body of Christ, the church.  And whether or not you're actually in a church building or calling yourself an official church, each "worship service" has it's own unique offerings to our Lord.  I love to reflect back on the people I've worshiped with over the years, whether I knew them personally or not, and give praise to my Father who has given me the opportunity to worship in many different places all the while giving honour to the same God.  What an amazing God we serve.  And what an amazing thing the Body is.  Look around you...who is a part of the Body that you're worshiping God with today?  Take time to appreciate the unique worship that you're a part of right now...

On being an introvert.

I've been realizing more and more lately that the fact that I'm an introvert is something to be embraced rather than fought.  Interesting that I ever picked up the idea that being an introvert wasn't a good thing, no?  I'm fairly convinced that the society in which we live has been designed by extroverts.  And this has often left me feeling like there's something wrong with me, like I just don't quite fit and, on top of all that, like I'm the only one who feels this way. 

As I live in more places, get to know more people and function in new and different situations, I'm realizing that I am not, in fact, the only one.  There are more people out there who feel like society isn't quite designed for them.  People who would rather sneak through the church foyer than have to stand and "mingle" for 20 minutes (an eternity, yes).  People who would rather brainstorm on their own than get together in a group and throw out ideas or plan an event.  People who have no problem spending the majority of their time at home alone, rather than scheduling their week full of coffee dates and activities. 

For the majority of my life, I've found myself dreading things like group work in school, ice breaker games, "mingling"...and the whole time I just thought it was something I needed to just deal with and get over.  And as I am getting older, I'm realizing that the introvert in me isn't something to be somehow overcome.  It is not something that needs to be stuffed away and ignored.  There is great value to being an introvert and, more than that, it's who.I.am.  That alone is reason to respect how I feel and to give those feelings a voice.

I have started giving myself permission to be true to the introverted part of myself.  That might mean not being fully immersed in every area of the church right away (gasp!).  It might mean not pushing myself as hard to set up playdates or coffee dates or to have people over for supper every week.  Sometimes I just need time and space.  And that's ok! 

It has been extremely life-giving to have come to this realization.  Why did it take me so long?!  It's quite likely that nobody else notices any difference, yet the change in pressure that I'm not putting on myself has been huge!  I'm still learning to tell myself that it's ok to sometimes pull away and give myself space.  It's getting there :)  Being an introvert who is fueled by time away from the action is ok and normal.  Aah...talk about a breath of fresh air!