Monday, November 30, 2009

Where to start?

So, I've been back for three days now. I think I've caught you all up on the pretty major things that have happened. I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. Let's see...

Something that I am always dealing with, of course, is our infertility. I could share about that. Is there anyone out there who is dealing with this? I don't know if there is any way to really be able to help someone understand this if they've never dealt with it themselves. There are SO many different facets to it that to try to explain everything about it never does justice to what is actually going on inside of the person experiencing it. But I can try, at least a little bit, to help you understand. Because, let's face it, infertility touches almost everybody (whether you're the person dealing with it or someone you know is).

The technical definition of the term "infertility" refers to a couple who has been trying to conceive for over a year with no contraceptive. That's us. Nathan and I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years now.

Infertility affects each couple differently. Each couple would like to grow their family for slightly different reasons, and has different dreams and hopes for their futures. But most couples who call infertility a struggle go through a similar time-line in terms of pain. I read a book about a year ago, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, in which the 6th to 18th month of trying were described as the most tough months. I found that to be true for me, as at month 6 I was deep into questioning what was wrong (if, in fact, anything) and coming to terms with the idea that it might not happen. At month 18, I had processed alot of it and it was a reality in our life that things weren't happening. After months 18-24, things got progressively easier to handle. Near the end of the second year of trying and into the third year, things were probably the easiest they had been for me throughout this whole process. At that point, I felt that I had dealt with many of the emotions and thoughts that go along with infertility, and was feeling like there was a bright and hopeful future for us, whether we had children or not. It was such a wonderful place to be.

And then it got harder again. About two months ago it got REALLY hard. On a scale of 1-10, months 6-18 were a 9.5-10, months 24-36 were only at about 5-8, and lately I have been back up as high as a 9-10. I seem to have lost hope that it will ever happen for us. I continually see people around us getting pregnant and having their firsts and seconds and thirds, all since the time we started trying, and it hurts. But the pain is slightly different this time...

The difference at this point, is that the pain comes more in the form of questioning God. Earlier, I would be moved to tears when I saw babies and young children, especially with their mothers. It is still a bit difficult to see, but now it is far more...I don't know...personal? I guess at first I felt like I was a random statistic...we just happened to be a couple who struggled with infertility but eventually it would probably happen. But now it sometimes feels like maybe God has something against us. It feels unfair. It feels wrong. I often feel like if God really cared, he would help us grow our family already. After all, doesn't he see how much we are suffering? Doesn't he hear our desperate prayers???

There are many days when I just don't understand why this is happening or how God works. But I do know that I just need to hold tightly to my faith, even when it doesn't feel like it's doing any good. There's merit in not just giving up on what I've always believed, even when it doesn't feel real or when it feels like it's hurting more because I believe than it would if I just gave up on it all. My dad once used an illustration in one of his sermons when I was little that I remember now only because it didn't make any sense to me at the time. It was, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." It makes sense now. I'm about at the end of my rope these days. I've tied a knot and am holding on. Because one day I'll get my footing again and I'll be grateful for that rope like never before.

If/when you think of us, could you pray? Pray that we'll keep a firm grip on that rope. Pray that each day will get easier again. And please pray that God will grow our family. Thanks.

3 comments:

Chris said...

I'm praying, Niki. You are loved, and your life has been carefully planned, even the painful bits. Your Father is carrying you through each day, and He knows exactly what your limits are. May you be blessed for your faithfulness.

Sabrina said...

I think of you often, Niki, knowing the journey has got to be long, frustrating, and lonely. I hold out hope that your day will come, and that the deep desire of your heart will be granted. I continue to pray into that picture for you.

Thank you for sharing, especially when it might be easier just to try and ignore the parts that really hurt. Thinking of you tonight.

Kelsie-Lynn said...

I want to echo Chris and Sabrina. I completely agree with both of them. I admire the strength you have to share so honestly. I know God will use that to speak to someone else.

I too have hope that your day of motherhood is coming and that God has a purpose in this time of waiting. Praying for you often!