6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
The hardest thing I have ever experienced? Well, I would have to say, hands down, infertility. It's the thing that immediately jumps into my head when I read this question. And yet it's weird because, when I actually think about it, I keep thinking to myself that there must be something harder that I've gone through. So many people have had to go through incredibly tough things like losing a child or losing a parent or other family member (untimely death) or fighting debilitating illness. But I think my wondering whether there was something harder is an indication of how it is being on the other side of infertility. Memories get fuzzy. You remember that it was hard without actually remembering the tears and anger and raw emotion of it. But it was...it was tough. The hardest thing for me.
When you are in the throes of infertility, wondering what the rest of your life will look like, wondering if you will ever see your dreams come true...it's the hardest thing. It's hard to plan more than a month or two in advance because what if you're dealing with morning sickness right when you're trying to backpack through Europe? Or what if you have a newborn right when you have a huge deadline? You can't plan for the future. What kind of house do you buy? A cozy little one bedroom that would be perfect for a couple? Or do you aim big and hope that one day the empty bedrooms will start filling up? And those are just some of the logistical things. What about the emotional roller coaster?? Trying to convince yourself that life could be ok with no kids when that's the only way you've ever pictured your life; the only thing you've ever dreamed of. Spending every Sunday morning choking back tears because you want to be that mom in church with her pew full of snacks and toys...but it's just not happening.
Our journey through infertility was a hard one for me. I found that it affected a portion of 9 out of 10 days in one way or another. It was a constant weight. Will it happen one day or won't it? What part of my cycle are we in right now? What more could we be doing to improve our chances? Will this be the month? It's not happening, do I move on and try to find some other dream that might come close to making me feel fulfilled? What if I start to pursue another career only to get pregnant after spending $40,000 on schooling? So.many.questions. So.many.emotions. Those years that were spent trying to grow our family were tough, tough years. In day to day life, now busy with two kids, I often forget what it was like. I am losing my sensitivity to others who may be in that situation (and I hate that I am!). It was the hardest thing I have had to go through because it felt like a constant ebb and flow of hope and loss. Hope...then loss. And hope. And loss. Again and again. I questioned everything in those years. And then I felt guilty for questioning. And then I stressed. And then I tried not to stress because apparently stress can make it harder to conceive. But that just made me stress more! There was no winning.
I am so thankful that those years are behind me. And yet I hope that I will always hold onto what they taught me. About just how hard it is to stare the loss of the motherhood dream in the face...month after month. About how I need to be sensitive to others who may be going through infertility. About who God is and how he is the same now and before those years and throughout it all. His faithfulness didn't waver. And if we'd never had kids, He would still be good...and righteous. And there would still have been a plan for my life if I'd never become a mom, even if I couldn't for the life of me understand why I longed for motherhood so badly, only to have it dangled in front of me then yanked back.
Infertility is the hardest thing I've gone through. And I know it probably doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't gone through some form of infertility or pregnancy loss. But it is such a hard road to walk. So if you know anyone who is on that journey, or who you think might be...please, please go easy on them. Please walk alongside them and support them. Allow them to share their doubts. Allow them to cry or rage or do whatever they need to do. And please be sensitive. Err on the side of sensitivity. And pray. Pray for their faith. Pray for their dreams. Pray for hope and perseverance. Pray.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Monday, March 17, 2014
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Reflections on Motherhood
Tonight as I sat on the edge of Levi's bed, one hand being held by a sleepy Levi and the other wrapped around a sleeping Kayden, both children silent and still with me in the same moment, I felt such an unexpected rush of gratitude. I've known for my entire life that I wanted to be a mom. That this is what I was created to be. And yet, in those 25 years of being preparing, nothing could have fully prepared me for the amount of love that is bursting forth for these two children today.
Levi is a handful these days. He is feeling the loss of having mommy and daddy all to himself and it is often coming out in testing ways. And yet, tonight after supper, he and I spent 15 minutes just laughing together. Sitting at the table and looking at each other and laughing uncontrollably with each other for no reason other than being happy to be together.
Kayden is so sweet. She does cry, occasionally, and sometimes it's for no apparent reason at all, but my heart is so full when I look into her eyes and she looks into mine! My love for her just grows every day as I get to know her more and as our connection deepens.
I am incredibly blessed to be able to call these two children mine. They are indeed gifts from God and I will never take them for granted. Having three years to ponder what life might look like without children has landed me in a place now of being humbled and grateful, a place unlike any I would have been in without that period of waiting.
When we named our children, we took into consideration the meanings of their names, middle names especially. We gave Levi the name "Jonathan" because it means "God has given." We gave Kayden the name "Grace" because it is by God's grace that we are fully healed and that Nathan and I have not one but two beautiful children.
So tonight I am feeling extra thankful for these two wonders who share life with us. And thankful that I am called their mother. All praise to HIM...forever and ever.
Levi is a handful these days. He is feeling the loss of having mommy and daddy all to himself and it is often coming out in testing ways. And yet, tonight after supper, he and I spent 15 minutes just laughing together. Sitting at the table and looking at each other and laughing uncontrollably with each other for no reason other than being happy to be together.
Kayden is so sweet. She does cry, occasionally, and sometimes it's for no apparent reason at all, but my heart is so full when I look into her eyes and she looks into mine! My love for her just grows every day as I get to know her more and as our connection deepens.
I am incredibly blessed to be able to call these two children mine. They are indeed gifts from God and I will never take them for granted. Having three years to ponder what life might look like without children has landed me in a place now of being humbled and grateful, a place unlike any I would have been in without that period of waiting.
When we named our children, we took into consideration the meanings of their names, middle names especially. We gave Levi the name "Jonathan" because it means "God has given." We gave Kayden the name "Grace" because it is by God's grace that we are fully healed and that Nathan and I have not one but two beautiful children.
So tonight I am feeling extra thankful for these two wonders who share life with us. And thankful that I am called their mother. All praise to HIM...forever and ever.
Friday, December 28, 2012
nesting...and other pregnancy and life updates
I've been nesting lately. This time around it is more in the form of "let's get rid of some STUFF" rather than "let's make sure everything is CLEAN." Cleaning just seems so futile these days. But if you purge some stuff, it's gone and it's not coming back the moment Levi wakes up :) I can't help but think, too, that being 7-8 months pregnant over Christmas this year is a good thing! As much as I don't love bundling up for the cold (huffing and puffing just from putting on my boots), the desire to keep clutter to a minimum has proven helpful in keeping the Christmas extras from taking over the house. Out with the old, in with the new!
In other pregnancy "news"... ... ...this time around has been so different than when I was expecting Levi. In the first trimester, I started showing earlier this time. I was WAY more tired this time (likely thanks to not being on bed rest and not being able to have a nap whenever I felt like it). Morning sickness was less this time, not that it was bad last time either. In the second trimester this time, I barely felt pregnant. I didn't notice my growing belly unless I looked in the mirror. I was perfectly comfortable. I got some energy back and didn't feel sick in the slightest. Last time I think I felt decent too, but with a threatened miscarriage, I was taking every precaution and noticing every little feeling that was different from the norm, wondering if it was normal or something I should be worried about. The third trimester in this pregnancy has been harder than the last. I have been much more sore (again, probably thanks to not having been on bed rest and not taking it as easy as last time with a 2 year old to chase around). I think walking on ice also doesn't help as one little slip on the ice has muscles stretched that I didn't even know I had! I've also been feeling more of the "normal" pregnancy symptoms like heartburn and low blood pressure that I didn't really have to deal with much last time. Third trimester is definitely my least favourite but I really can't complain. I hear about people who are sick the full 9 months (or longer) and am just glad that I made it through the first 28-30 weeks in relative comfort! I also can't complain because I know how much I begged and prayed for children and how much some of my friends are hurting to hold children of their own in their arms and I remember that this is really a small price to pay for the miracle that is motherhood. It is not something to be taken lightly...each and every child that enters a family is a miracle, no matter how they got there.
Of course, I should probably throw in a little Levi-update! Levi is growing up SO much! He knows most of his letters. He can count almost to 10 (1-2-3-7-8-9), usually in the right order. We've been diaper-free for 5.5 months now, both daytime and nights (just HAVE to brag about that one!). He is talking more all the time. He loves to use phrases that he hears Nathan and I using:
- "of course"
- "much better"
- "stay puppy! good dog."
- "no puppy! bad dog. stay!"
- "oh no! big mess!"
- "alright."
He has started singing in the last couple weeks which is so cute! Before he would sing E-I-E-I-O, but now he is starting to sing songs on his own like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Clean Up Song (clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere), Wonder Pets theme song, etc. He also loves when we sing songs with/to him...they can even replace a bedtime story for him if it's a late night because he loves it so much. Speaking of stories, he has discovered the fun of made-up stories. He often asks for "car story" at bedtime, which means that I am supposed to make up and tell him a story about a car. Sometimes I get him to tell me a story too. I tell most of the story, asking him to fill in details like colours and activities. It can get quite interesting to see his little imagination at work! Levi loves all things animals, especially if they're living and breathing and happen to be puppies (or kitties). Lennox is finally starting to tolerate Levi's affection...after 2 years of Levi chasing him, it is about time he just accepted that the boy isn't leaving.
Nathan is still enjoying his work after almost 1.5 years at the church. We really appreciate the way this church gives the pastors time with their families and also time for self-care. Not all churches do that, often leaning more to the side of overworking their pastors (usually unintentional, I'm sure). To be at a church where we feel appreciated and cared for is certainly a blessing and answer to prayer!
Not much else is happening. We're right in the middle of Christmas celebrations, having just spent a couple days with Nathan's family and looking forward to time with my family. And soon it will be the new year! The year that we welcome another little person into our family. It feels so surreal. How did this happen so easily this time after so many years of waiting and praying last time? I can't even describe how many times during this pregnancy I actually had to check the mirror to make sure that I wasn't dreaming it all. But that's a side note. Hope you all have a good start to the new year!
In other pregnancy "news"... ... ...this time around has been so different than when I was expecting Levi. In the first trimester, I started showing earlier this time. I was WAY more tired this time (likely thanks to not being on bed rest and not being able to have a nap whenever I felt like it). Morning sickness was less this time, not that it was bad last time either. In the second trimester this time, I barely felt pregnant. I didn't notice my growing belly unless I looked in the mirror. I was perfectly comfortable. I got some energy back and didn't feel sick in the slightest. Last time I think I felt decent too, but with a threatened miscarriage, I was taking every precaution and noticing every little feeling that was different from the norm, wondering if it was normal or something I should be worried about. The third trimester in this pregnancy has been harder than the last. I have been much more sore (again, probably thanks to not having been on bed rest and not taking it as easy as last time with a 2 year old to chase around). I think walking on ice also doesn't help as one little slip on the ice has muscles stretched that I didn't even know I had! I've also been feeling more of the "normal" pregnancy symptoms like heartburn and low blood pressure that I didn't really have to deal with much last time. Third trimester is definitely my least favourite but I really can't complain. I hear about people who are sick the full 9 months (or longer) and am just glad that I made it through the first 28-30 weeks in relative comfort! I also can't complain because I know how much I begged and prayed for children and how much some of my friends are hurting to hold children of their own in their arms and I remember that this is really a small price to pay for the miracle that is motherhood. It is not something to be taken lightly...each and every child that enters a family is a miracle, no matter how they got there.
Of course, I should probably throw in a little Levi-update! Levi is growing up SO much! He knows most of his letters. He can count almost to 10 (1-2-3-7-8-9), usually in the right order. We've been diaper-free for 5.5 months now, both daytime and nights (just HAVE to brag about that one!). He is talking more all the time. He loves to use phrases that he hears Nathan and I using:
- "of course"
- "much better"
- "stay puppy! good dog."
- "no puppy! bad dog. stay!"
- "oh no! big mess!"
- "alright."
He has started singing in the last couple weeks which is so cute! Before he would sing E-I-E-I-O, but now he is starting to sing songs on his own like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Clean Up Song (clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere), Wonder Pets theme song, etc. He also loves when we sing songs with/to him...they can even replace a bedtime story for him if it's a late night because he loves it so much. Speaking of stories, he has discovered the fun of made-up stories. He often asks for "car story" at bedtime, which means that I am supposed to make up and tell him a story about a car. Sometimes I get him to tell me a story too. I tell most of the story, asking him to fill in details like colours and activities. It can get quite interesting to see his little imagination at work! Levi loves all things animals, especially if they're living and breathing and happen to be puppies (or kitties). Lennox is finally starting to tolerate Levi's affection...after 2 years of Levi chasing him, it is about time he just accepted that the boy isn't leaving.
Nathan is still enjoying his work after almost 1.5 years at the church. We really appreciate the way this church gives the pastors time with their families and also time for self-care. Not all churches do that, often leaning more to the side of overworking their pastors (usually unintentional, I'm sure). To be at a church where we feel appreciated and cared for is certainly a blessing and answer to prayer!
Not much else is happening. We're right in the middle of Christmas celebrations, having just spent a couple days with Nathan's family and looking forward to time with my family. And soon it will be the new year! The year that we welcome another little person into our family. It feels so surreal. How did this happen so easily this time after so many years of waiting and praying last time? I can't even describe how many times during this pregnancy I actually had to check the mirror to make sure that I wasn't dreaming it all. But that's a side note. Hope you all have a good start to the new year!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Number Two
Before Nathan and I decided to try to have more children, we seriously contemplated stopping at one. I am often tired and people who know me best would probably say that I often seem tired. It's true, mothering does take alot out of me and I do take whatever measures I can to try to conserve energy. But there is more to my story than that.
I've never been a super high energy person. Especially since second year Bible school, I have always been the one weighing the energy cost to potential commitments before I make them. If I get run down, it takes quite a bit of rest to recharge. Obviously, this had to be a consideration when we were talking about adding another child to our home. What would my days look like and could I handle another little person demanding my attention and energy?
While we understood that adding to our numbers would stretch me thin in the energy department, we decided to keep trying and low and behold, #2 is now on their way! I would be lying if I said that I never worry about how I'm going to keep up. I sometimes lay in bed at night after being up with a crying toddler and imagine adding a sleepless baby to that and I get scared. But what it comes down to for me is that, despite the exhaustion and sleep deprivation and lack of energy, my days are still filled with joy. Being a mother is life-giving for me in a way that nothing else has been. It drains me of energy but fills me with something so pure and wonderful that I can't help but know that this is what I was created for.
When we were in the midst of infertility, I got all the sleep I wanted. I could sleep in on weekends and go to bed early if I was tired. If I got home from work early and needed to, I could nap before going out in the evening. I could spend hours on end alone, just recharging. And yet those years of my life were some of the most draining years of my life. I chalk it up to not having that piece that truly gave me life. I had nothing to pour myself into that replaced the energy spent with sheer joy.
Now, before you go saying that God should be that one life-giving thing in your life, I need to stop you. Yes, God fills his children with joy. Yes, when we pour our energy out for him, we are filled with an unexplainable zeal and drive that only comes from him. But I also believe that God creates each of us to find different things life-giving. How else can you explain the pastor's heart that feels as though it's being suffocated when it can't find a job? Or a missionary's drive to reach people for Jesus, even putting the things most precious to them at risk? Each of us has different passions/callings and when we pursue those things that give us life, that's when it becomes most about God and him using us to achieve his purpose.
Does working at camp exhaust you but you can't imagine life without it? Do you feel the need to care for people, even when your heart absolutely breaks hearing their stories? What gives you life? What is it that fills you with an unspeakable joy and fulfillment, perhaps despite personal sacrifice?
For me, in this stage of life, it's being a mother. And whether it's being a mother to two or ten (not likely), if I keep relying on God for what I need every day, I will make it through and thrive. :)
I've never been a super high energy person. Especially since second year Bible school, I have always been the one weighing the energy cost to potential commitments before I make them. If I get run down, it takes quite a bit of rest to recharge. Obviously, this had to be a consideration when we were talking about adding another child to our home. What would my days look like and could I handle another little person demanding my attention and energy?
While we understood that adding to our numbers would stretch me thin in the energy department, we decided to keep trying and low and behold, #2 is now on their way! I would be lying if I said that I never worry about how I'm going to keep up. I sometimes lay in bed at night after being up with a crying toddler and imagine adding a sleepless baby to that and I get scared. But what it comes down to for me is that, despite the exhaustion and sleep deprivation and lack of energy, my days are still filled with joy. Being a mother is life-giving for me in a way that nothing else has been. It drains me of energy but fills me with something so pure and wonderful that I can't help but know that this is what I was created for.
When we were in the midst of infertility, I got all the sleep I wanted. I could sleep in on weekends and go to bed early if I was tired. If I got home from work early and needed to, I could nap before going out in the evening. I could spend hours on end alone, just recharging. And yet those years of my life were some of the most draining years of my life. I chalk it up to not having that piece that truly gave me life. I had nothing to pour myself into that replaced the energy spent with sheer joy.
Now, before you go saying that God should be that one life-giving thing in your life, I need to stop you. Yes, God fills his children with joy. Yes, when we pour our energy out for him, we are filled with an unexplainable zeal and drive that only comes from him. But I also believe that God creates each of us to find different things life-giving. How else can you explain the pastor's heart that feels as though it's being suffocated when it can't find a job? Or a missionary's drive to reach people for Jesus, even putting the things most precious to them at risk? Each of us has different passions/callings and when we pursue those things that give us life, that's when it becomes most about God and him using us to achieve his purpose.
Does working at camp exhaust you but you can't imagine life without it? Do you feel the need to care for people, even when your heart absolutely breaks hearing their stories? What gives you life? What is it that fills you with an unspeakable joy and fulfillment, perhaps despite personal sacrifice?
For me, in this stage of life, it's being a mother. And whether it's being a mother to two or ten (not likely), if I keep relying on God for what I need every day, I will make it through and thrive. :)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
little rant
Ok, so sometimes facebook is wonderful and sometimes it is just plan terrible. I was just on facebook, seeing all these people who have gotten married in the past year and are already pregnant, and I was getting really discouraged. I'm sorry if this is you and you got pregnant in your first year of marriage or as soon as you started trying to have a baby. This rant isn't against you personally...it's just that when it takes SO.MUCH.TIME (and EFFORT and TEARS and WORK and PRAYER) for some to get pregnant, how is it fair that others just get pregnant as soon as they decide that they'd like to start a family? WHY? Why can't everyone who so desperately desires to be a parent just have it happen like it does for others? Why couldn't it either be hard for everyone or easy for everyone? Why can't we all be on a level playing field here?? I guess I just don't understand. And I guess I'm still a bit bitter that we had to wait THREE+ years to welcome Levi into our lives, four years and one month from the time we started to try until the time we met him face to face. Don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me that things turned out better this way. Don't tell me that we waited this long to have Levi and that if we'd had a baby right away it wouldn't have been the same baby as we have now. Don't give me pat answers because this isn't a simple issue. It isn't a simple issue. I still deal with the effects of having struggled with infertility for over 3 years. I still hurt because of it. I still have questions. The pain and wondering doesn't go away with the positive pregnancy test...with the baby's first cry in the delivery room. It's easier to forget about the road that it took to get here, but the road is still there. The memories are still there. The scars are still there. And every once in a while, like when I'm stalking around facebook, it hits me like a truck. It's not gone. It still hurts. And it's not fair. IT'S.NOT.FAIR.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
February - A Month of Promise
February will always mean a little something extra to me. It was never a particularly special month to me growing up. It was shorter than the rest of the months, even on a leap year. It had Valentine's day, now also Family Day. But it was still winter and just meant another month of winter routine.
Eventually I got married and, just over a year later, we started trying to grow our family. Years came and went and still we weren't pregnant. I remember one day as I was praying and pleading with God to give us a child, I heard God say, "Expect a baby in February." That was it. No details other than that.
This statement stuck with me and one or two February's came and went with still no sign of a baby. I had pretty much forgotten about this promise until February 13, 2010. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. As soon as I saw that positive, I remembered God's words from years earlier. And I knew that this was God fulfilling his promise to me: "Expect a baby in February."
I still find myself doubting that God actually speaks. That He actually answers our prayers and can be trusted. I find myself knowing in my head, but wondering in my heart. But when February comes, it will always be a reminder to me that God does speak. That He does answer prayers and keep His promises.
I am humbled and amazed...God you are good and your mercy endures forever...
Eventually I got married and, just over a year later, we started trying to grow our family. Years came and went and still we weren't pregnant. I remember one day as I was praying and pleading with God to give us a child, I heard God say, "Expect a baby in February." That was it. No details other than that.
This statement stuck with me and one or two February's came and went with still no sign of a baby. I had pretty much forgotten about this promise until February 13, 2010. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. As soon as I saw that positive, I remembered God's words from years earlier. And I knew that this was God fulfilling his promise to me: "Expect a baby in February."
I still find myself doubting that God actually speaks. That He actually answers our prayers and can be trusted. I find myself knowing in my head, but wondering in my heart. But when February comes, it will always be a reminder to me that God does speak. That He does answer prayers and keep His promises.
I am humbled and amazed...God you are good and your mercy endures forever...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
On Mother's Day...
I just wrote this big long post about Mother's Day. And then I didn't post it. So many thoughts have been going through my head. I guess my biggest question is how do I reconcile the side of me that struggled through infertility and hated Mother's Day, and the side of me that is thrilled to be a mom and wants to celebrate? I guess I feel like, by celebrating the day, I automatically become one of "them" who blindly skips through the day, juggling flowers, hand-made cards, and the diaper bag while those on the sidelines feel like they've been steamrolled. Yet I do feel like celebrating! I have the most adorable little boy in the world and I want to rejoice in the fact that I have been given the gift of being his mommy! You don't need to tell me that I have every right to rejoice. You don't need to tell me that I don't need to feel bad about celebrating. I know that I can celebrate. And I do. Every day. But I don't feel like I'm doing my younger self justice if I don't at least pause and look around me for those who are standing in the church service with tears in their eyes or who are aching from the inside out. I didn't experience infertility for nothing and I don't want to come out the other side of it unchanged and insensitive. Yet at the same time, I don't feel like I felt then. The pain is fading. My memory is fading. How can I hold onto those memories and the things that shaped me while also celebrating my motherhood and rejoicing in my child(ren)? Those are just some of the things running through my mind these days...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Initiation
I think I was initiated into the "motherhood" club today. We were doing some newborn pictures with Maryvel Friesen (A Moment in Time Photography). Levi was being an absolute doll. He did the sleeping pictures perfectly after giving us some good eye contact and showing us his big, dark eyes for a few shots first. But then we started doing the mommy/baby shots. With no diaper on. Right after a feed. I had a feeling we were asking for trouble... By the time we were done the photo shoot 3 hours later, I had been spit up on, peed on, AND pooped on. Numerous times. And as disgusting as I felt when that photo session was done, I was on top of the world at the same time because a year ago I never knew if I would get to experience a photo shoot with my newborn. Yet today I did. And it was wonderful, minor explosions and all.
Stay tuned for pictures to come shortly!
Stay tuned for pictures to come shortly!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Who's on third?
Third trimester already? Where has the time gone?! Months 3-6 just flew by and now we're in the home stretch! The thing I find most amusing today? How pregnancy websites/books try to reassure third trimester women that certain less comfortable pregnancy "symptoms" will go away shortly after birth... as though there aren't still 3 MONTHS still to wait! Yes, I'm nearing the end. But I DO still have 13 weeks to go. That's plenty of time to lose sleep, have leg cramps, and deal with swollen feet. But don't worry...they'll ease up oh, say, near the beginning of October. No biggie.
Important sidenote: I have been incredibly blessed with this pregnancy and I take none of it for granted. No, not everything in pregnancy is rainbows and roses, but I will take every ounce of discomfort if it means that I am experiencing pregnancy and will soon hold my baby in my arms. I still think of my friends who are waiting and hoping and praying and hurting and mourning loss. May God bless you beyond your wildest dreams...
Important sidenote: I have been incredibly blessed with this pregnancy and I take none of it for granted. No, not everything in pregnancy is rainbows and roses, but I will take every ounce of discomfort if it means that I am experiencing pregnancy and will soon hold my baby in my arms. I still think of my friends who are waiting and hoping and praying and hurting and mourning loss. May God bless you beyond your wildest dreams...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
a time to weep and a time to laugh
a time to mourn and a time to dance
I am dancing inside. I am laughing with sheer joy. I am getting to know this little person who is growing inside me. I am noticing when Baby is awake and Baby sleeps. I know that the most active parts of Baby's day are first thing in the morning and right after supper. I know that certain types of music will make Baby move like nothing else and that loud drums played by a 3 year old make Baby go absolutely crazy. And Baby is getting to know me too. He/She is starting to respond differently to my hand than anyone else's. When I put my hand on my belly, Baby moves. But when anyone else tries to feel movement, even Nathan, it often takes longer for Baby to respond. Our son or daughter is getting to know their mommy's touch! How amazing!
I am feeling so good these days. Aside from a few "scares" earlier in this pregnancy, it has been perfectly smooth. I feel so at peace and am just so unbelievably thankful for this little miracle. My body handles pregnancy so well and I've been experiencing no sickness and very few aches. I feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever. I get such great joy from seeing this little bump growing and feeling the kicks getting stronger every day. Almost every day I spend time just sitting and staring at my belly, which is already starting to visibly bounce and ripple!
The fact that we're going to be parents has been becoming so much more real lately. We are slowly collecting little clothes and blankets and other baby things, and my mind keeps wandering back to the nursery. It's hard to believe that we'll meet this little person face to face in just a few months. What an unbelievable blessing...one I feared I might never experience. I am humbled that we are able to have this experience and joy. It is something I will NEVER take for granted. I know that there will be days when I'll be frustrated or tired and life won't always be picture perfect. But wow. That's all I can say. WOW.
All praise to Him!
a time to mourn and a time to dance
Ecclesiastes 3:4
______________________________
(23.5 weeks)
I am dancing inside. I am laughing with sheer joy. I am getting to know this little person who is growing inside me. I am noticing when Baby is awake and Baby sleeps. I know that the most active parts of Baby's day are first thing in the morning and right after supper. I know that certain types of music will make Baby move like nothing else and that loud drums played by a 3 year old make Baby go absolutely crazy. And Baby is getting to know me too. He/She is starting to respond differently to my hand than anyone else's. When I put my hand on my belly, Baby moves. But when anyone else tries to feel movement, even Nathan, it often takes longer for Baby to respond. Our son or daughter is getting to know their mommy's touch! How amazing!
I am feeling so good these days. Aside from a few "scares" earlier in this pregnancy, it has been perfectly smooth. I feel so at peace and am just so unbelievably thankful for this little miracle. My body handles pregnancy so well and I've been experiencing no sickness and very few aches. I feel more comfortable in my skin now than ever. I get such great joy from seeing this little bump growing and feeling the kicks getting stronger every day. Almost every day I spend time just sitting and staring at my belly, which is already starting to visibly bounce and ripple!
The fact that we're going to be parents has been becoming so much more real lately. We are slowly collecting little clothes and blankets and other baby things, and my mind keeps wandering back to the nursery. It's hard to believe that we'll meet this little person face to face in just a few months. What an unbelievable blessing...one I feared I might never experience. I am humbled that we are able to have this experience and joy. It is something I will NEVER take for granted. I know that there will be days when I'll be frustrated or tired and life won't always be picture perfect. But wow. That's all I can say. WOW.
All praise to Him!
___________________________
P.S-I have been hesitant to share about my pregnancy too much here on my blog because I've been afraid to further hurt my many friends who are already hurting. Infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and many other fertility-related struggles are painfully common and the last thing I want to do is make it harder for anyone. That said, this is a huge time of rejoicing for me and Nathan and I do want to be able to share openly on my blog with those who would like to know how things are going. If reading about pregnancy (and soon life with a new baby) is going to be painful for you, I'm so sorry. But I long to share the joys as well as the sorrows here. Being real and open isn't just about sharing the struggles in life. We also need to rejoice together in our blessings! Thank you to everyone who is following along with our story and offering words of advice, encouragement, etc. I look forward to sharing more of our stories as time goes on!
Monday, April 26, 2010
A move is coming...
As, I think, you all know, our move back to Canada is coming up soon. I spend alot of time thinking about our move because...
a) it's a huge change for us...we won't have been in Canada for 9 months when we get back.
b) we'll be busy when we get back...becoming SK residents, trip to MB for 10 days-ish, seeing people.
c) it's the place we'll be giving birth to our little munchkin and that just makes it feel more real.
But living with an impending move is like walking a high wire. There is a fine balance to be found between living in the moment and anticipating the future. This move (as opposed to our move last June away from A-town) has me feeling quite a bit more lonely. I'm not really connected here like I was in MB, so it feels like we're already pulling away from (and being pulled away from by) our friends here. I'm not sure that there is a huge advantage to pursuing relationships and cultivating existing ones when there is only 9 months of history and we only have 3 weeks left here. At the same time, we're not back in Canada yet, so we're not seeing our Canadian friends yet. It's tough. I spend alot of time alone these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my time alone...I thrive on alone time...but there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, right? That's just it.
On a more exciting note, I felt the baby move for the first time last night. In the last couple days, I'd been feeling what I thought might be the baby - twitches and gurgles and whatnot - but last night I was 100% certain that our little miracle was making a move. This was one of the things that I looked forward to the most about pregnancy. It was so hard to wonder if I would ever experience that feeling as we struggled with infertility. I just feel so blessed to have received this gift. It is beautiful. It is a miracle.
I am praying for all of you right now who have never experienced this feeling, whether I know you by name or not, that God will provide. There are far too many women who long, month after month, to know this feeling (or know this feeling again), to experience a baby growing inside, and who feel helpless and hopeless in their wait...may God shower His blessings on you...
a) it's a huge change for us...we won't have been in Canada for 9 months when we get back.
b) we'll be busy when we get back...becoming SK residents, trip to MB for 10 days-ish, seeing people.
c) it's the place we'll be giving birth to our little munchkin and that just makes it feel more real.
But living with an impending move is like walking a high wire. There is a fine balance to be found between living in the moment and anticipating the future. This move (as opposed to our move last June away from A-town) has me feeling quite a bit more lonely. I'm not really connected here like I was in MB, so it feels like we're already pulling away from (and being pulled away from by) our friends here. I'm not sure that there is a huge advantage to pursuing relationships and cultivating existing ones when there is only 9 months of history and we only have 3 weeks left here. At the same time, we're not back in Canada yet, so we're not seeing our Canadian friends yet. It's tough. I spend alot of time alone these days. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my time alone...I thrive on alone time...but there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, right? That's just it.
_____________________________
On a more exciting note, I felt the baby move for the first time last night. In the last couple days, I'd been feeling what I thought might be the baby - twitches and gurgles and whatnot - but last night I was 100% certain that our little miracle was making a move. This was one of the things that I looked forward to the most about pregnancy. It was so hard to wonder if I would ever experience that feeling as we struggled with infertility. I just feel so blessed to have received this gift. It is beautiful. It is a miracle.
I am praying for all of you right now who have never experienced this feeling, whether I know you by name or not, that God will provide. There are far too many women who long, month after month, to know this feeling (or know this feeling again), to experience a baby growing inside, and who feel helpless and hopeless in their wait...may God shower His blessings on you...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It all connects...
I was talking to someone today and our pregnancy came up. I shared that we had been trying for over three years and that, because of our struggle with infertility, we hadn’t really expected this pregnancy to happen this year. Her comment to that was, “That’s how it always seems to work. Just when you stop “trying”, that’s when it comes.” That stopped me in my tracks. That is exactly the sort of comment that I would have struggled so much with in the midst of infertility. And I realized that it is a comment that I still struggle with…
A comment like this suggests that there is some sort of “method” to getting what you want. It implies that all you need to do is “forget about it” or “relax” or “convince yourself that your life is fine without it” and then you will receive your heart’s desire. To this my heart screams, “NO!” There is no “formula” to get what you want from God. You can try or not try as much as you want, but if things aren’t happening, they just aren’t happening.
(As a sidenote, we hadn’t “stopped trying” this year at seminary and my desire was strong as ever…it’s not that we’d “forgotten about it” or that it mattered less to us at that point, in fact, quite the opposite)
I mentioned in my blog post “Our Story...” that our period of infertility will always be part of the story of our family. While I have stepped out of that realm of women longing desperately for motherhood, I do find that certain comments still affect me as a result of having been there. And having walked that road is affecting how I am walking through this pregnancy now. I am thrilled about the life that is growing in me. I am embracing motherhood and everything that goes with it (nausea and food aversion included). But I also remember vividly that hopelessness that comes with infertility. I remember feeling lost in life, at times, with the absence of one of my greatest dreams. And as I walk through this pregnancy, I am very aware that there are still many around me who are walking that painful road.
I want to be sensitive to you who are still waiting for your miracle. I want to remember the road we walked as I rejoice in this new life. I sincerely hope that our story can be an encouragement to you that miracles are possible, though I also acknowledge the reality that it is often more of a painful reminder to see someone pregnant than it is an encouragement…
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Our Story...
I sometimes think back to September 2006. I think about how far we've come since we started trying to conceive. When we first started trying, like most other couples, we didn't expect that it would take very long before we held our first child in our arms.
The next couple months held much hurt, pain, impatience, anger, and frustration. Why weren't things happening? Was there something wrong? I saw my doctor after 6 months of trying and was casually told to wait another year and a half before inquiring about tests again. So we kept trying...and kept waiting.
Soon there were theological questions to go along with the physical ones. If God created the desire in me to be a mother, why wasn't it happening? Is God really not as "in control" as I'd first thought? Is God not really as loving or as good as I'd always believed? What was going on? Who was this God that I'd committed my life to serving...and who was I? These questions have surrounded me and been near to my heart and mind since shortly into 2007.
As time went on, the two year mark approached and more of our friends were having children of their own. We were getting more and more comments about when we were going to have babies and it was hurting more and more each time. Finally I reached a point when I couldn't handle it anymore. At the two-year mark, we told our parents, our friends, and, on my blog, the world. It was no longer a secret. It became easier at that point, both because people knew to be sensitive to our pain and because there were more people drawing around us, supporting us with love and prayers.
The questions I mentioned earlier have lingered, but, especially in the last year and a half, there has been much healing. God has not been silent through our struggle (though it has sometimes felt like He has). He has not been absent (though it has sometimes felt like this too). I have come to a deeper understanding of God's provision. I have been stretched in my understanding of how God works, and find that, though I don't always want to trust (and don't always trust) God's work, it is for our good. There are still many things I don't understand, and, frankly, wish I could change, about God's design. But I am still on the journey...
The story of our family will always include the last three and a half years. Those years were harder than I can possibly describe and have shaped both of us individually, as well as our marriage. Our faith has been stretched. Our hearts have been bruised. And it is not without a great deal of fear that we make this announcement. But there is no question in our minds that this is a miracle.
It is with great hope and excitement that we announce the anticipated arrival of our own little miracle later this year.
Wow. I can't believe I just typed that. It's just too good to be true.
The next couple months held much hurt, pain, impatience, anger, and frustration. Why weren't things happening? Was there something wrong? I saw my doctor after 6 months of trying and was casually told to wait another year and a half before inquiring about tests again. So we kept trying...and kept waiting.
Soon there were theological questions to go along with the physical ones. If God created the desire in me to be a mother, why wasn't it happening? Is God really not as "in control" as I'd first thought? Is God not really as loving or as good as I'd always believed? What was going on? Who was this God that I'd committed my life to serving...and who was I? These questions have surrounded me and been near to my heart and mind since shortly into 2007.
As time went on, the two year mark approached and more of our friends were having children of their own. We were getting more and more comments about when we were going to have babies and it was hurting more and more each time. Finally I reached a point when I couldn't handle it anymore. At the two-year mark, we told our parents, our friends, and, on my blog, the world. It was no longer a secret. It became easier at that point, both because people knew to be sensitive to our pain and because there were more people drawing around us, supporting us with love and prayers.
The questions I mentioned earlier have lingered, but, especially in the last year and a half, there has been much healing. God has not been silent through our struggle (though it has sometimes felt like He has). He has not been absent (though it has sometimes felt like this too). I have come to a deeper understanding of God's provision. I have been stretched in my understanding of how God works, and find that, though I don't always want to trust (and don't always trust) God's work, it is for our good. There are still many things I don't understand, and, frankly, wish I could change, about God's design. But I am still on the journey...
The story of our family will always include the last three and a half years. Those years were harder than I can possibly describe and have shaped both of us individually, as well as our marriage. Our faith has been stretched. Our hearts have been bruised. And it is not without a great deal of fear that we make this announcement. But there is no question in our minds that this is a miracle.
It is with great hope and excitement that we announce the anticipated arrival of our own little miracle later this year.
Wow. I can't believe I just typed that. It's just too good to be true.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
fog.
One of the hardest things about infertility, for me, has been the overarching feeling of being suffocated under a thick blanket of fog. Throughout much of the last few years that we've been struggling with our infertility, it has been hard to see much past it. There have been moments, even month-long stretches, of breaks in the clouds where a few things in the periphery are in focus, and these have been wonderful. But the time spent under the blanket has been exhausting.
In the fog of infertility, everything seems to hurt a little bit more. Everything seems to take a little bit more energy. Seeing truth seems to take a little bit more straining. Relationships seem to take a little bit more intentionality. Life is just different than it was before the fog.
This past year has been one of great steps forward. I spent much of the year feeling quite optimistic about our hope to grow our family. There were a couple months when I felt the best I'd felt about growing our family since before we started trying and I (foolishly) assumed that I'd moved safely past the worst of it. But then there have been a few months that have been the hardest months since early on and, in some ways, these months have been THE hardest ones yet.
I've been re-reading, upon Nathan's suggestion, Pete Greig's book, "God on Mute." The title pretty much sums up what the book is about. What are we supposed to do/think/believe/hope when God seems to be on mute? When there seem to be no answers to our prayers? Admittedly, there have seemed to be no answers coming from heaven regarding our longed-for children. It has been quite the spiritual struggle, in addition to our physical struggle, to bear children. But God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my heart, especially over these past couple weeks...
I am feeling hope again.
I am seeing the light again.
I am excited for 2010, whether it brings an expansion to our family or not (and believe me, this is a big step!).
I found a poem and a verse in this book that I'd love to share. I've been thinking about them alot lately. The verse is Romans 5:3-5 (the Message):
3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
And the poem:
first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles. . .
(Greig, Pete; God on Mute; p.29)
In the fog of infertility, everything seems to hurt a little bit more. Everything seems to take a little bit more energy. Seeing truth seems to take a little bit more straining. Relationships seem to take a little bit more intentionality. Life is just different than it was before the fog.
This past year has been one of great steps forward. I spent much of the year feeling quite optimistic about our hope to grow our family. There were a couple months when I felt the best I'd felt about growing our family since before we started trying and I (foolishly) assumed that I'd moved safely past the worst of it. But then there have been a few months that have been the hardest months since early on and, in some ways, these months have been THE hardest ones yet.
I've been re-reading, upon Nathan's suggestion, Pete Greig's book, "God on Mute." The title pretty much sums up what the book is about. What are we supposed to do/think/believe/hope when God seems to be on mute? When there seem to be no answers to our prayers? Admittedly, there have seemed to be no answers coming from heaven regarding our longed-for children. It has been quite the spiritual struggle, in addition to our physical struggle, to bear children. But God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my heart, especially over these past couple weeks...
I am feeling hope again.
I am seeing the light again.
I am excited for 2010, whether it brings an expansion to our family or not (and believe me, this is a big step!).
I found a poem and a verse in this book that I'd love to share. I've been thinking about them alot lately. The verse is Romans 5:3-5 (the Message):
3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
And the poem:
first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles. . .
(Greig, Pete; God on Mute; p.29)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Empty Arms...
Infertility stuff has been really hard lately (as you may or may not have picked up from recent posts). There has been alot to process and work through. I don't have much to share right now. But please take a minute to go to the link and watch the video. Consider it the words that I couldn't put to our situation myself...because it expresses where we are right now perfectly (minus what it says about treatments).
Empty Arms
It will be a tough Christmas this year...if we'd gotten pregnant right away, our little baby would be turning 3...
Empty Arms
It will be a tough Christmas this year...if we'd gotten pregnant right away, our little baby would be turning 3...
Monday, November 30, 2009
Where to start?
So, I've been back for three days now. I think I've caught you all up on the pretty major things that have happened. I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. Let's see...
Something that I am always dealing with, of course, is our infertility. I could share about that. Is there anyone out there who is dealing with this? I don't know if there is any way to really be able to help someone understand this if they've never dealt with it themselves. There are SO many different facets to it that to try to explain everything about it never does justice to what is actually going on inside of the person experiencing it. But I can try, at least a little bit, to help you understand. Because, let's face it, infertility touches almost everybody (whether you're the person dealing with it or someone you know is).
The technical definition of the term "infertility" refers to a couple who has been trying to conceive for over a year with no contraceptive. That's us. Nathan and I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years now.
Infertility affects each couple differently. Each couple would like to grow their family for slightly different reasons, and has different dreams and hopes for their futures. But most couples who call infertility a struggle go through a similar time-line in terms of pain. I read a book about a year ago, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, in which the 6th to 18th month of trying were described as the most tough months. I found that to be true for me, as at month 6 I was deep into questioning what was wrong (if, in fact, anything) and coming to terms with the idea that it might not happen. At month 18, I had processed alot of it and it was a reality in our life that things weren't happening. After months 18-24, things got progressively easier to handle. Near the end of the second year of trying and into the third year, things were probably the easiest they had been for me throughout this whole process. At that point, I felt that I had dealt with many of the emotions and thoughts that go along with infertility, and was feeling like there was a bright and hopeful future for us, whether we had children or not. It was such a wonderful place to be.
And then it got harder again. About two months ago it got REALLY hard. On a scale of 1-10, months 6-18 were a 9.5-10, months 24-36 were only at about 5-8, and lately I have been back up as high as a 9-10. I seem to have lost hope that it will ever happen for us. I continually see people around us getting pregnant and having their firsts and seconds and thirds, all since the time we started trying, and it hurts. But the pain is slightly different this time...
The difference at this point, is that the pain comes more in the form of questioning God. Earlier, I would be moved to tears when I saw babies and young children, especially with their mothers. It is still a bit difficult to see, but now it is far more...I don't know...personal? I guess at first I felt like I was a random statistic...we just happened to be a couple who struggled with infertility but eventually it would probably happen. But now it sometimes feels like maybe God has something against us. It feels unfair. It feels wrong. I often feel like if God really cared, he would help us grow our family already. After all, doesn't he see how much we are suffering? Doesn't he hear our desperate prayers???
There are many days when I just don't understand why this is happening or how God works. But I do know that I just need to hold tightly to my faith, even when it doesn't feel like it's doing any good. There's merit in not just giving up on what I've always believed, even when it doesn't feel real or when it feels like it's hurting more because I believe than it would if I just gave up on it all. My dad once used an illustration in one of his sermons when I was little that I remember now only because it didn't make any sense to me at the time. It was, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." It makes sense now. I'm about at the end of my rope these days. I've tied a knot and am holding on. Because one day I'll get my footing again and I'll be grateful for that rope like never before.
If/when you think of us, could you pray? Pray that we'll keep a firm grip on that rope. Pray that each day will get easier again. And please pray that God will grow our family. Thanks.
Something that I am always dealing with, of course, is our infertility. I could share about that. Is there anyone out there who is dealing with this? I don't know if there is any way to really be able to help someone understand this if they've never dealt with it themselves. There are SO many different facets to it that to try to explain everything about it never does justice to what is actually going on inside of the person experiencing it. But I can try, at least a little bit, to help you understand. Because, let's face it, infertility touches almost everybody (whether you're the person dealing with it or someone you know is).
The technical definition of the term "infertility" refers to a couple who has been trying to conceive for over a year with no contraceptive. That's us. Nathan and I have been struggling with infertility for over 3 years now.
Infertility affects each couple differently. Each couple would like to grow their family for slightly different reasons, and has different dreams and hopes for their futures. But most couples who call infertility a struggle go through a similar time-line in terms of pain. I read a book about a year ago, Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake, in which the 6th to 18th month of trying were described as the most tough months. I found that to be true for me, as at month 6 I was deep into questioning what was wrong (if, in fact, anything) and coming to terms with the idea that it might not happen. At month 18, I had processed alot of it and it was a reality in our life that things weren't happening. After months 18-24, things got progressively easier to handle. Near the end of the second year of trying and into the third year, things were probably the easiest they had been for me throughout this whole process. At that point, I felt that I had dealt with many of the emotions and thoughts that go along with infertility, and was feeling like there was a bright and hopeful future for us, whether we had children or not. It was such a wonderful place to be.
And then it got harder again. About two months ago it got REALLY hard. On a scale of 1-10, months 6-18 were a 9.5-10, months 24-36 were only at about 5-8, and lately I have been back up as high as a 9-10. I seem to have lost hope that it will ever happen for us. I continually see people around us getting pregnant and having their firsts and seconds and thirds, all since the time we started trying, and it hurts. But the pain is slightly different this time...
The difference at this point, is that the pain comes more in the form of questioning God. Earlier, I would be moved to tears when I saw babies and young children, especially with their mothers. It is still a bit difficult to see, but now it is far more...I don't know...personal? I guess at first I felt like I was a random statistic...we just happened to be a couple who struggled with infertility but eventually it would probably happen. But now it sometimes feels like maybe God has something against us. It feels unfair. It feels wrong. I often feel like if God really cared, he would help us grow our family already. After all, doesn't he see how much we are suffering? Doesn't he hear our desperate prayers???
There are many days when I just don't understand why this is happening or how God works. But I do know that I just need to hold tightly to my faith, even when it doesn't feel like it's doing any good. There's merit in not just giving up on what I've always believed, even when it doesn't feel real or when it feels like it's hurting more because I believe than it would if I just gave up on it all. My dad once used an illustration in one of his sermons when I was little that I remember now only because it didn't make any sense to me at the time. It was, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on." It makes sense now. I'm about at the end of my rope these days. I've tied a knot and am holding on. Because one day I'll get my footing again and I'll be grateful for that rope like never before.
If/when you think of us, could you pray? Pray that we'll keep a firm grip on that rope. Pray that each day will get easier again. And please pray that God will grow our family. Thanks.
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