Number 3: Parents

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

Tough question.  Now, how do I answer this knowing my parents will read it??? :P Just kidding.  I wouldn't answer the question any differently, even if I knew they wouldn't read it.  Or would I?  Hmm... ;)

I'd say I've always had a lot of respect for my parents.  I've always known that they have my best interests in mind and trust that what they are doing is best.  That, in itself, is a huge thing for a daughter to be able to say (and I sure hope my kids will be able to say the same thing of Nathan and myself!).  Because of this respect, I didn't fight with my parents growing up.  I didn't always agree with some of their decisions but it was never a matter of raising voices or standing up to them (that I remember, correct me if I'm wrong, Mom and Dad!).  I've always felt that Mom and Dad had respect for me, and I, in return, had respect for them.  I always felt that they respected my decisions, which encouraged me to try to make the best decisions possible because I never felt like I needed to prove anything.  I knew that I was making decisions for myself because Mom and Dad would go along with whatever I chose - though at some point if I started being dumb, I'm sure they would certainly have stepped in!  For instance, when I was 19, I was at the supper table with my parents (and siblings, most likely) and randomly said, "Nathan and I are talking about getting married in spring" and they didn't even bat an eye.  If that doesn't prove trust and respect, I don't know what does.  If I felt that my parents would have put up a huge fight when I announced that, I might have been more prone to make a rash decision about getting married so young, just to prove that I could win the fight.  But, knowing that my parents would trust that I knew what I was doing and support me, I made the decision carefully and, frankly, the way you should make the decision to marry someone.  Completely for yourself.  There were many smaller decisions throughout high school that were made the same way (didn't smoke, drink, do drugs).  If I'd felt that my parents would argue about everything I did, I might have acted out a bit more, just to prove that I can do what I want without really thinking about what was good for me.  Does any of this make sense???  I'm not exactly sure how to describe it.

As an adult, I still have huge respect for my parents, but the relationship has shifted.  It's more of a friendship than a parent-child relationship.  I am close enough to my mom and dad that I go to them for advice - like when we were thinking about buying the acreage - and I trust what they say.  I'd say that my parents are easy to be around and we have a casual, loving relationship.  We see each other about every month or two (they are 3.5 hours away) but pick up right where we leave off every time.  

It has been interesting to see my parents in the grandparent role now that we have kids.  I'd say now, more than ever, I have an appreciation for how they parented my brother, sister, and I.  And to see them step back from the parenting role and lean into grandparenting...it's wonderful.  I don't mind leaving my kids with my parents one bit because I know that they will respect the decisions Nathan and I have made about how we want to parent and they'll have fun with the kids without breaking all the rules and "spoiling" the kids too badly while we're away.  They've struck a good balance :)  

Overall, I'd say mutual respect is a theme in our relationship, as well as my never having questioned their love and intentions.  I trust them fully and appreciate everything they have done, and still do, for me.  I love you, Mom and Dad!  I'd say our relationship is a good one!

And then I tried something new...

Anyone tired of hearing about sleep on this blog?  Haha. That makes it unanimous. I wish it wasn't something that consumed so much of my time/energy. But alas...that's just life with babies. And really, as tired as I am, I'll take it because sleep struggles come part and parcel with snuggles and laughter and playtime ;) (good thing!)

After four months of trying various sleep training methods and trying, night after night, to night-wean my girl, I have officially given up. Every time I gathered up a bit of energy and determination and tried to teach my daughter to sleep through the night, I was left feeling exhausted. Kayden, who for the first 6 months of her life was only up twice a night like clockwork, started waking more and more instead of less and less.  But the alternative to feeding her on demand through the night?  Being awake with a crying baby for 2-3 hours every night only to have her wake 3 hours later expecting to be fed again. I just can't do it anymore. I need to be able to function and it's far easier to just get up for a quick feed than to deal with a tired, crying baby in the wee hours.  And really, why try?  She will eventually sleep through the night. I've done what I could to encourage her and four exhausting months later I'm ready to try something different. Or rather, I'm ready to stop trying.  

In addition to sleep training not working, the kids sharing a room hasn't been working out wonderfully. It has been a pain. It works well...until it doesn't. And then we have a three year old waking up a 9 month old and we spend the next two hours with an overtired, crying baby while an overtired preschooler struggles to sleep. No more, people.  It's time for this house to get some serious shut-eye.  Behold, my solution:

In a rush of frustration and exhaustion, I made Kayden a bed right beside my bed the other day. If I'm going to stop fighting the night-time feeds, I'm going to embrace it and try to make them as relaxing and restful as possible for myself.  Forget when they say my baby "should" be sleeping through the night by.  Forget when they say my baby should be not needing night feeds anymore by.  Forget what "they" say about co-sleeping stunting babies' ability to put themselves to sleep.  My baby puts herself to sleep just fine for naps and at bedtime.  The fact is that she wakes often during the night and if she's still doing it after four attempts at sleep training, then she must need SOMETHING from me through the night.  So I'm going to forget what "they" say my baby needs or doesn't need and I'm going to follow my instincts. And I'm going to do what I need to do to survive.  And right now that means rolling over and being able to "shh" my baby while still half asleep...or feed her without getting out of bed.  And I have to say, as much as I resisted this idea of "co-sleeping," it really is quite nice to not have to walk through the dark, cold house a few times a night :)  We'll see how this goes...if all goes well, we'll all be feeling alot more rested in the weeks to come! 

As a parent, especially a mother, you hear so many theories about what babies need or don't need and by what age.  And don't get me wrong, a lot of it can be very helpful.  I'm all for moms giving each other advice and helping each other out!  That's why I'm constantly asking for advice and for what has worked for other moms. Sometimes you just need fresh ideas. But when your baby doesn't respond to the things that worked for other moms, then it's important to recognize when you need to just start ignoring what you hear and focus on what comes naturally.  Then it's time to get creative and figure out what works for you and your family and your baby.  Unfortunately this will likely involve some trial and error.  Let's hope this latest sleeping arrangement trial doesn't involve the word "error"... ;)

last few weeks

I'm going to be honest today (not that I'm usually dishonest) and say that today was a hard day.  I'm finding that I have quite a bit less energy than usual and, when dealing with my energetic, cabin-feverish 2 year old, less patience.  Levi really is quite a joy and an easy-going kid as far as 2 year olds go.  But boy-oh-boy this mama is tired!  On days like today, just one more "mama, come PLAY?" makes me want to crawl into a hole (preferrably a hole under the covers on my bed) and nap the rest of this pregnancy away.  I love being pregnant.  I really do.  The first two trimesters went by swimmingly and I'm convinced they flew by so fast because half the time I felt so good that I forgot that I was even pregnant.  The third trimester has had pain and soreness to make up for the first 6 months, though, and has left me quite ready to be done.  And I love my boy.  But wowzers...how far can a mama push herself? :)

So first off, I'm asking that if/when you think of us and the coming addition to our family, please pray for energy and patience for me in these last few weeks.  And secondly, if anyone has any ideas for relieving cabin-fever and burning a boy's energy while saving mama's sanity, throw them my way.  I'm all ears! I want to enjoy as much time as I can with just Levi at home with me before there are TWO kids to split my attention between. (so excited!) There isn't too much longer before baby's arrival and not all days are as tiring as today, but it was day #4 of Levi not being out of the house (such a cold week and so much work to bundle us up with a basketball strapped to my tummy!) and I think it has been taking its toll...add hormones into the mix and that was my day.  haha.  Nice.

Parenting and Screens

Have you ever noticed how many snapshots of kids these days have a parent in the background who is present in body but completely immersed in the world of their smart phone or iPad?  As I've looked at pictures on fb and blogs, especially in the past week, it has struck me just how common this has become.  And it has me thinking: how is this affecting the children??

I think back to my own childhood and the only thing I remember my parents being distracted by (like, mind totally in another world and not able to get their attention easily when I needed/wanted it) were books and conversation.  But more often than not, they were mentally available when I needed them, whether or not they were "busy" with something else.  How would my childhood have been different if one or both of my parents had spend every free moment with their eyes (and minds) glued to the tv, cell phone, computer, or tablet?  I think I may have gotten the impression that parents/adults:
- are hard to get attention from
- are distracted
- don't really want to be with me
- would rather sit and look at a screen than do anything else
- aren't really there for you
- don't think kids are important enough to pay attention to unless the attention is begged for

I'm as guilty as anyone.  I spend time online while Levi is awake, both on my phone and on my computer.  And it strikes me almost daily how I could be doing much more valuable things with my time.  How would my days with Levi (and our attitudes/patience levels with each other) be different if I was truly present in everything I did when we're together? It breaks my heart when I think about what my time online is teaching him. (not that ALL time online or being "distracted" is all bad, but when it becomes a daily part of life, maybe it needs to be examined?)

Does Levi ever feel like I don't really care about him?  Does he ever feel like what I see on my screen is more important than him?  Does he feel like he has to whine for things because asking nicely just simply fails to get my attention?  How would things be different if I moved my computer downstairs permanently and left my phone on the counter during the day, only checking things when he is napping or in bed for the night?

I intend to find out.  I've certainly cut back on internet use in the past (multiple times throughout Levi's life, though it invariably creeps up time and again) because I've always been aware of this danger.  But having seen pictures of it so often this past week, it has been brought to my mind yet again and I am feeling the need to renew my effort in being present with my child (soon to be children). 

How about you?  What are your thoughts on this?  Agree?  Disagree?  Anything to add?  I'd love to hear from you!