Number Two

Before Nathan and I decided to try to have more children, we seriously contemplated stopping at one. I am often tired and people who know me best would probably say that I often seem tired. It's true, mothering does take alot out of me and I do take whatever measures I can to try to conserve energy. But there is more to my story than that.

I've never been a super high energy person. Especially since second year Bible school, I have always been the one weighing the energy cost to potential commitments before I make them. If I get run down, it takes quite a bit of rest to recharge. Obviously, this had to be a consideration when we were talking about adding another child to our home. What would my days look like and could I handle another little person demanding my attention and energy?

While we understood that adding to our numbers would stretch me thin in the energy department, we decided to keep trying and low and behold, #2 is now on their way!  I would be lying if I said that I never worry about how I'm going to keep up. I sometimes lay in bed at night after being up with a crying toddler and imagine adding a sleepless baby to that and I get scared. But what it comes down to for me is that, despite the exhaustion and sleep deprivation and lack of energy, my days are still filled with joy. Being a mother is life-giving for me in a way that nothing else has been. It drains me of energy but fills me with something so pure and wonderful that I can't help but know that this is what I was created for.

When we were in the midst of infertility, I got all the sleep I wanted. I could sleep in on weekends and go to bed early if I was tired. If I got home from work early and needed to, I could nap before going out in the evening. I could spend hours on end alone, just recharging. And yet those years of my life were some of the most draining years of my life. I chalk it up to not having that piece that truly gave me life. I had nothing to pour myself into that replaced the energy spent with sheer joy.

Now, before you go saying that God should be that one life-giving thing in your life, I need to stop you. Yes, God fills his children with joy. Yes, when we pour our energy out for him, we are filled with an unexplainable zeal and drive that only comes from him. But I also believe that God creates each of us to find different things life-giving. How else can you explain the pastor's heart that feels as though it's being suffocated when it can't find a job?  Or a missionary's drive to reach people for Jesus, even putting the things most precious to them at risk?  Each of us has different passions/callings and when we pursue those things that give us life, that's when it becomes most about God and him using us to achieve his purpose.

Does working at camp exhaust you but you can't imagine life without it?  Do you feel the need to care for people, even when your heart absolutely breaks hearing their stories?  What gives you life?  What is it that fills you with an unspeakable joy and fulfillment, perhaps despite personal sacrifice?

For me, in this stage of life, it's being a mother. And whether it's being a mother to two or ten (not likely), if I keep relying on God for what I need every day, I will make it through and thrive. :)