quiet, but not gone.

This blog is sadly neglected.  It's not that I don't have anything to write.  I do think of things.  It's just that, when I sit down to write it, it's all gone.  Like, completely not there anymore.  I open up good 'ol blogger and it's just gone.  I guess that's what long days with kids (and long nights with kids) will do to you.  I find that my memory is just not there anymore.  I chalk it up to sleep-deprivation but I hear it never comes back once you're a mom so who knows.  Maybe it's gone for good.

I do notice that alot of the things that I think of during the day are just not enough for a complete blog post.  I think of plenty of things that I think I should blog about but then realize that I've got about a facebook status worth of words about that topic.  So it either goes on fb or just doesn't get said.  Usually the later.

For example:
Levi calls coyotes "kye-roots".  It's super cute.  Cute that he talks about "kye-roots" at all but extra cute that he says it like he does.  I've stopped correcting his pronunciation on these sorts of words.  It is just too fun to listen to him talk and once he realizes the real way to say it, he will never say it the cute way again.  For example, the word "music" used to be "moogit."  Adorable.  Simply adorable. But now, if I say "moogit" to him, he just looks at me funny.  *sigh*  My boy is growing up.  So I'll soak up all the "kye-root" talk while I have it :)

Next random thought I had: As I was driving home from visiting my parents today, I was thinking about parenting (surprise!).  Specifically, how there's a difference between how I thought I would be as a parent vs. how I actually am.  Or maybe more how I thought parenting would be vs. how it actually is.  Before I was a parent, I would sometimes see how other people would parent their kids and I would mentally make note of whether I would be "that type" of parent or not. I would see how parents reacted to their kids and either think "that's how I would like to react to my kids one day" or "I would do that so differently." Everyone does it. It's not necessarily good but, as long as you're not running the parent down in your mind because of what they're doing, it's not necessarily bad either. As someone who wants to be a parent ever-so-badly, you are just always taking notes.  But anyway, I'm not justifying it, just saying that's what I did.  I would spend lots of time thinking about what kind of mom I wanted to be and what kinds of things I would do as a mom...and just thinking about what parenting would be like.  And when I did that, in my mind I was a pretty good mom! Well, potential mom.  And then parenting hit.  And in the first few weeks/months, I felt like I was running off of pure adrenaline.  I'd wanted to be a mom SO bad that I had "years of desire" fueling my every action, my every moment.  I had patience coming out the wazoo.  I had motivation and ideas and went the extra mile for everything.  And then I got tired.  So.very.tired.  Sleepless nights.  Long days full of tantrums.  Lots of beautiful moments, but lots of bleary-eyed, less-than-perfect moments too.  And I suddenly understood why those moms who I watched back in the day did what they did.  Why they sounded the way they sounded.  Why they didn't go the extra mile every time.  Why they reacted the way they reacted (and didn't necessarily have the patient answer that I would certainly have had in that situation).  When you're thinking about being a mom, you see everything through rose-coloured glasses.  But when you get there and you're knee-deep in dirty diapers (literally) and haven't slept in who knows how long and have one kid crying on the kitchen floor because his lunch is being served ON the table and not UNDER the table (yes, actually) and another one crying on your hip...things just look different.  That adrenaline and idealism wears off and you find out exactly what it's like to be there.  And you make choices from that place.  Now, the reason I've never written this before is because it's hard to put into words.  What am I talking about, really?  It's a bunch of mumble-jumble, most likely.  I'm not saying that I hate being a mom.  I'm not saying that I'm a bad mom or that I'm making decisions that I'll regret.  I'm just saying that I now understand where those moms were at.  They were acting from a place of having spent years in the "trenches."  Sure I would have handled some of those situations differently at the time, but I would have also been coming in fresh...having had a full night's sleep and with a clear mind, not one smeared with peanut butter and kid-snot.  I thought I would be one of those moms who was so very polished.  Who had a weekly menu posted in her kitchen, crafts and quiet-time activities planned long in advance for the kid who no longer thinks he needs naps, clothes folded and put away at the end of every laundry day.  And in reality, alot of the time I actually feel a bit like a chicken with my head cut off.  I feel like I'm playing catch-up instead of anticipating and being ready for things.  I forget every little thing (even though I used to have a memory like a vault, people). I'm scrambling to come up with supper at 4pm each day.  And sometimes I have a preschooler who is freaking out and I just have to sit back because I have no clue as to what I should be doing or how I should "gently guide him out of his frustration." I'm not the mom I thought I would be.  But you know what?  That's ok.  Because I love my kids. And I love their daddy. I make sure they're fed and clothed and taught and happy.  I may not have the perfectly clean, perfectly organized home that I always thought I'd have, but you know what?  Kids don't need polish.  They don't need to know that their mom has everything planned and scheduled and organized.  They need to know that they are safe.  And loved.  And no matter how tired I am, how impatient or forgetful I am, or how worn down I sometimes feel...my kids have that.  They feel safe and secure and loved and THAT is what matters.  So I guess I had a round-about way of saying that.  Sorry.   That's what happens when I sit down and don't know what to type.

I think I'll leave it at that for tonight.  That got a lot longer than I thought it would.  Apparently I do have more than fb status-length thoughts.  Huh.  Who knew?  Now the real test will be whether the thoughts are coherent enough for anyone to follow what I just wrote...?