Sleep

I've been struggling with sleep lately.  Lately being the past two years.  I remember Levi being 5 weeks old and wondering what in the world I was doing wrong because he wouldn't sleep more than a few hours at a time.  I was reminded by someone that he was only 5 weeks old and that it would come.  At the time I consoled myself with the thought that surely by the time he was 6 months old, he would be sleeping through the night.  Here we are, 2 years later, and he has never slept through the night more than 50% of the time.  In October?  Levi slept through the night 6 times.  That means he was up in the night 25 times.  And when he was up, it was up to 3-4 times a night.  Pee.  Teething.  Wanting a cuddle. You name it, he was up for it. 

Some nights I get downright frustrated.  I climb back into bed with a huff after being up with a crying boy for 30-45 minutes (especially when he's crying for no apparent reason) and struggle to fall asleep again (often to be awakened again just as I'm drifting off to sleep 45 minutes later).  Some nights I feel like I will never sleep through the night again.

Then today I had a reminder about how precious and fragile life is.  A Bible college friend of Nathan's lost his 8 month old boy this morning.  He and his wife woke up to find that their baby boy was with Jesus.  I saw a picture of a healthy, smiling baby dressed up for Halloween and sitting on his daddy's lap taken just last night.  And this morning it was but a dream, a lifetime ago.

When Levi would cry out in the night in the first few weeks/months, my breath would sometimes catch in my throat because I was just so thankful that there was a cry.  That he was alive. That he was breathing and awake and needing me.  Somewhere in the past two years, I have lost that sense of relief when he calls out for me in the night.  I have instead been feeling frustrated, annoyed, like burying my head under my pillow and ignoring him.  And yet how very thankful I should be!  First, that I have a son at all!  I prayed for years for a baby who would wake me up at night. I longed for sleepless nights and my prayers have been answered!  Second, that he has breath in his lungs to be able to cry.  That he's healthy and alive.  That he's in his room at home, just across the hall, and not in the hospital somewhere.  That I CAN go to him and make it all better.

I've been holding my boy a whole lot tighter today and telling him over and over again just how much I love him.  Every day with him is such a gift.  And when he cries for me tonight, I'll go into his room with just a bit more patience and love and tenderness than I have been lately...