Thursday, February 9, 2012
little rant
Ok, so sometimes facebook is wonderful and sometimes it is just plan terrible. I was just on facebook, seeing all these people who have gotten married in the past year and are already pregnant, and I was getting really discouraged. I'm sorry if this is you and you got pregnant in your first year of marriage or as soon as you started trying to have a baby. This rant isn't against you personally...it's just that when it takes SO.MUCH.TIME (and EFFORT and TEARS and WORK and PRAYER) for some to get pregnant, how is it fair that others just get pregnant as soon as they decide that they'd like to start a family? WHY? Why can't everyone who so desperately desires to be a parent just have it happen like it does for others? Why couldn't it either be hard for everyone or easy for everyone? Why can't we all be on a level playing field here?? I guess I just don't understand. And I guess I'm still a bit bitter that we had to wait THREE+ years to welcome Levi into our lives, four years and one month from the time we started to try until the time we met him face to face. Don't tell me that God has a plan. Don't tell me that things turned out better this way. Don't tell me that we waited this long to have Levi and that if we'd had a baby right away it wouldn't have been the same baby as we have now. Don't give me pat answers because this isn't a simple issue. It isn't a simple issue. I still deal with the effects of having struggled with infertility for over 3 years. I still hurt because of it. I still have questions. The pain and wondering doesn't go away with the positive pregnancy test...with the baby's first cry in the delivery room. It's easier to forget about the road that it took to get here, but the road is still there. The memories are still there. The scars are still there. And every once in a while, like when I'm stalking around facebook, it hits me like a truck. It's not gone. It still hurts. And it's not fair. IT'S.NOT.FAIR.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
You're right, it isn't fair. And I think it's because childbearing was included in the curses way back in the Garden of Eden. I don't pretend to understand, or know the pain of others. {HUGS}
You're right Niki, suffering sucks. It just does. And often we don't allow ourselves or others the time to grieve and lament when things just hurt. The hurt and the emotion scares us or reminds us that life is not a bed of roses. We want the hurt to go away quickly so we give pat answers or massive immediate responses to pain in the hopes that if we just smother the pain enough with flowers, cards, and casseroles that all the hurt will just be turned magically into warm fuzzy feelings. But grieving is a life long process, whether we are grieving unfairness, or struggle, or loss of dreams, or loss of life or whatever. So next time I see you feel free to be honest. Feel free to remind me of your story, because it's your story. All of it.
I'm bewildered too, Niki. Jeremy and I weren't trying at all. . . the whole thing is strange. I don't know why I'm so blessed. I don't know why others are not. It isn't fair. We have someone close to us (family) who may never be able to have children and it was so painful to give them the news. Our struggles are different than those that deal with infertility -- but so much less painful, I'm sure. Love you.
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=x2INXmW6lxg
This is my wedding song, but it works in your situation too! My struggles were different - watching everyone around me fall in love and get married, standing up for them, walking through marriage + divorce beside some close friends - and now I am so thankful for what I have :)
Post a Comment