Silence

When I was at Bible college, one of the girls decided (felt called?) to fast from talking.  As in, she didn't utter a word (except in class when necessary) for I don't remember how long.  A week maybe?  I sometimes think about this and wonder how long I would last without using words.  I doubt it would be as difficult for me as it was for this girl (she liked using words alot), but still, would I be able to do it?  As a mother, probably not. But still.  It would be fun to try.  The silence would be refreshing, I think. :)

I love silence.  Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while probably knows that already.  I thrive in stillness and quiet.  I need my time alone on a regular basis to recharge.  And the more I learn this about myself (and learn that this is how I was created and that it's not a bad thing), the more I've been learning to anticipate times and activities that are more likely to make me tired and to plan for them.  I wish this meant withdrawing from anything that sounds tiring, but that really isn't a practical option.  Instead, I try to make sure that Nathan will be around to help with Levi a bit more or that I use my quiet time (aka Levi's naptime) wisely if I know that there is something big coming.  I also try to take time away from the house BY MYSELF once in a while as nothing recharges me like being completely alone and having no agenda and nobody to answer to.

A few months ago, I was talking to someone in our new church and she was asking if I had found a good group of friends yet.  I told her that, honestly, I spent alot of time at home rather than bouncing from mom's group to mom's group, coffee date to coffee date, as the thought of being out like that was just exhausting. (She didn't understand as she's about as extroverted as "they" come!) Have I missed out on friendships that could have been developing this year because I've been at home?  Probably.  Have I made the transition to a new community and church with minimal stress and exhaustion?  Yes.  Was it worth the occasional loneliness I've felt this year as I look around and see other friendship groups functioning around me and am left feeling a bit like an outsider?  I'd say it has.

In the beginning, I felt quite guilty about my silence in this new community.  I felt bad that, as a pastor's wife especially, I wasn't volunteering for everything, setting up coffee dates a couple times a week, and frequenting every mom's group that I could find in the area - the one at our church being at the top of my list.  But as I've felt my energy staying up (for the most part) and my stress levels down (especially compared to previous moves in the past 7 years), I've gotten over the guilt and started to accept myself as I am and focus on taking care of myself, despite what other people may expect (or what I expect other's to be expecting from me).

Would a vow of silence help my cause?  Probably not.  But wouldn't it be a fun experiment?  I think it would be fun to get a dozen people to vow not to talk for a week (except when absolutely necessary - work/school) and then hear afterward how the experience was for everyone.  It would be interesting to see how vastly different everyone is and see that there is as much wrong with being on the quiet end of the spectrum as on the talkative end: Nothing.  We are all created to be who we are.  We really need to start accepting that and taking care of ourselves where we are at.  Does that mean never stepping out of our comfort zones?  No.  Does that mean never doing anything that we don't want to do?  Absolutely not.  But it does mean understanding who you are and how you'll react to a situation, and then adjusting life around it to ensure your continued health?  I think so.

This is all rambling.  I'm writing at the end of a long day in the city, full of people and busyness and crowds.  I'm tired, and when I'm tired my thoughts and words don't flow as well as they do when I've spent a relaxing, routine day at home.  Maybe I should save this post for another day and re-write it when I'm feeling more rested and full.  But then again, my point wouldn't be proven quite as effectively then :)  Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently to life.  I like silence.  Others like noise.  And that's ok.  Where do you fall on the silence/noise spectrum?  How would you handle a week-long vow of silence?

Afterthought:  I should add that, as I become more comfortable in this place, I will continuously put myself out there more and more and increasingly push myself out of my comfort zone. And I certainly haven't been a hermit this year, despite how I would have loved that at times!  But I know that when we were first married, we moved to a community and I spent the entire time (especially the first year or two) putting myself out there and I felt tired all the time, discouraged because friendships didn't develop quickly - no matter my effort, and guilty whenever I skipped an opportunity to step out.  With this move, I have simply given myself permission to not say 'yes' to everything and to take my time getting to know people and it has proven to be a healthier decision on my part. I do believe that we need to be a light in our communities and get to know people, and that means stepping out of our comfort zones. I also believe that self-care is alot more important than I ever thought before. Also, I need to remain attached to the Vine so that, when I am being called to step out, I know that it is something God is calling me to and that He will provide the strength it requires.