on vulnerability...more thoughts (jumbled though they may be)

I always have more thoughts shortly after writing a post, usually after reading comments!

- I certainly don't always feel like "going deep" and being vulnerable.  Sometimes I'm just tired or simply don't feel like sharing with the person who is asking.  Sometimes I need to think things through in my own mind before even knowing how I feel or what I think.  And that's ok!  I've found it especially tough since becoming a mom.  I am often so busy or tired that I go days without thinking past "what do I need to do next?"  That can be a cue to slow down (if I recognize it), but when someone asks me how I'm REALLY doing or what God is teaching me on those days/weeks/seasons, it is just frustrating because I feel like I'm just on auto-pilot with little time to be vulnerable with myself, never mind with anyone else! :)

- maybe being vulnerable with ourselves is just as important as being vulnerable with others.  I think part of my fear of becoming an adult (back when I was in high school) was that I would simply stop feeling and thinking and being honest with myself.  I know (now) that adults think and feel (of course, who doesn't?) but when I was a teenager, it seemed that adults just had it all together or refused to admit otherwise.  And I found that annoying so obviously I didn't want to slip into that myself.  I didn't want to lose myself.  My ability to think and feel and be real.  And I don't think I've lost that in entering adulthood.  But I think some people do.  And that, to me, is the saddest thing.  Some people share more with others, and some people share less and that's fine.  But if we're not vulnerable and honest with ourselves first, I think we might be very lonely people before too long.

- I also value having an "inner circle" of people with whom I'm truly vulnerable.  In high school, it's not like I was sharing heart-to-heart with my entire class!  There was a group of people with whom I could talk and share deeply.  And it was good.  I guess my point is that it's so much harder to find that inner circle as we get older.  Perhaps it's because we rarely see the same people every day for any length of time (unless we work outside the home) so we have fewer opportunities to share life intimately.  Perhaps it's because we feel like we don't need close friends as much because we're adults.  Who knows.  It just doesn't seem to happen as easily now and those years between either finding a new "inner circle" or being able to see past friends is sometimes just plain lonely!

- vulnerability begets vulnerability.  Absolutely!  When I shared on my blog about our infertility and other things that were happening in our life (2008?), it was hard to press "publish" sometimes but I felt God telling me that it was ok and good and, though some wondered at my/our decision to share so openly on a public blog, it was the right decision at the time.  I met wonderful people through that time who supported us and prayed for us and shared their own struggles more deeply than they would have if I hadn't shared first. Of course, sometimes I would share with people through that time and get hurtful, judgmental comments like "you should never question God's goodness" and "wow, we just had to look at each other and were pregnant" and "two years isn't a long time to try for a baby."  Not helpful. Those comments made me want to lock my heart away forever.  But the support I received most of the time when I shared made up for the hurtful/thoughtless comments.  I just learned a bit more about discernment through that time in my life.  And perhaps there are seasons...a time for sharing openly and a time for keeping things close.  As long as we don't get stuck in one place longer than is healthy...