Number 6: Hardest Thing

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

The hardest thing I have ever experienced?  Well, I would have to say, hands down, infertility.  It's the thing that immediately jumps into my head when I read this question.  And yet it's weird because, when I actually think about it, I keep thinking to myself that there must be something harder that I've gone through.  So many people have had to go through incredibly tough things like losing a child or losing a parent or other family member (untimely death) or fighting debilitating illness.  But I think my wondering whether there was something harder is an indication of how it is being on the other side of infertility.  Memories get fuzzy.  You remember that it was hard without actually remembering the tears and anger and raw emotion of it.  But it was...it was tough.  The hardest thing for me.

When you are in the throes of infertility, wondering what the rest of your life will look like, wondering if you will ever see your dreams come true...it's the hardest thing.  It's hard to plan more than a month or two in advance because what if you're dealing with morning sickness right when you're trying to backpack through Europe?  Or what if you have a newborn right when you have a huge deadline?  You can't plan for the future.  What kind of house do you buy?  A cozy little one bedroom that would be perfect for a couple?  Or do you aim big and hope that one day the empty bedrooms will start filling up?  And those are just some of the logistical things.  What about the emotional roller coaster??  Trying to convince yourself that life could be ok with no kids when that's the only way you've ever pictured your life; the only thing you've ever dreamed of.  Spending every Sunday morning choking back tears because you want to be that mom in church with her pew full of snacks and toys...but it's just not happening. 

Our journey through infertility was a hard one for me.  I found that it affected a portion of 9 out of 10 days in one way or another.  It was a constant weight.  Will it happen one day or won't it?  What part of my cycle are we in right now?  What more could we be doing to improve our chances?  Will this be the month?  It's not happening, do I move on and try to find some other dream that might come close to making me feel fulfilled?  What if I start to pursue another career only to get pregnant after spending $40,000 on schooling?  So.many.questions.  So.many.emotions.  Those years that were spent trying to grow our family were tough, tough years.  In day to day life, now busy with two kids, I often forget what it was like.  I am losing my sensitivity to others who may be in that situation (and I hate that I am!).  It was the hardest thing I have had to go through because it felt like a constant ebb and flow of hope and loss.  Hope...then loss.  And hope.  And loss.  Again and again.  I questioned everything in those years.  And then I felt guilty for questioning.  And then I stressed.  And then I tried not to stress because apparently stress can make it harder to conceive.  But that just made me stress more!  There was no winning.

I am so thankful that those years are behind me.  And yet I hope that I will always hold onto what they taught me.  About just how hard it is to stare the loss of the motherhood dream in the face...month after month.  About how I need to be sensitive to others who may be going through infertility. About who God is and how he is the same now and before those years and throughout it all.  His faithfulness didn't waver.  And if we'd never had kids, He would still be good...and righteous.  And there would still have been a plan for my life if I'd never become a mom, even if I couldn't for the life of me understand why I longed for motherhood so badly, only to have it dangled in front of me then yanked back.

Infertility is the hardest thing I've gone through.  And I know it probably doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't gone through some form of infertility or pregnancy loss.  But it is such a hard road to walk.  So if you know anyone who is on that journey, or who you think might be...please, please go easy on them.  Please walk alongside them and support them.  Allow them to share their doubts.  Allow them to cry or rage or do whatever they need to do.  And please be sensitive.  Err on the side of sensitivity.  And pray.  Pray for their faith.  Pray for their dreams.  Pray for hope and perseverance.  Pray.