On Mother's Day...

I just wrote this big long post about Mother's Day.  And then I didn't post it.  So many thoughts have been going through my head.  I guess my biggest question is how do I reconcile the side of me that struggled through infertility and hated Mother's Day, and the side of me that is thrilled to be a mom and wants to celebrate?  I guess I feel like, by celebrating the day, I automatically become one of "them" who blindly skips through the day, juggling flowers, hand-made cards, and the diaper bag while those on the sidelines feel like they've been steamrolled.  Yet I do feel like celebrating!  I have the most adorable little boy in the world and I want to rejoice in the fact that I have been given the gift of being his mommy!  You don't need to tell me that I have every right to rejoice.  You don't need to tell me that I don't need to feel bad about celebrating.  I know that I can celebrate.  And I do.  Every day.  But I don't feel like I'm doing my younger self justice if I don't at least pause and look around me for those who are standing in the church service with tears in their eyes or who are aching from the inside out.  I didn't experience infertility for nothing and I don't want to come out the other side of it unchanged and insensitive.  Yet at the same time, I don't feel like I felt then.  The pain is fading.  My memory is fading.  How can I hold onto those memories and the things that shaped me while also celebrating my motherhood and rejoicing in my child(ren)?  Those are just some of the things running through my mind these days...