fog.

One of the hardest things about infertility, for me, has been the overarching feeling of being suffocated under a thick blanket of fog.  Throughout much of the last few years that we've been struggling with our infertility, it has been hard to see much past it.  There have been moments, even month-long stretches, of breaks in the clouds where a few things in the periphery are in focus, and these have been wonderful.  But the time spent under the blanket has been exhausting.

In the fog of infertility, everything seems to hurt a little bit more.  Everything seems to take a little bit more energy.  Seeing truth seems to take a little bit more straining.  Relationships seem to take a little bit more intentionality.  Life is just different than it was before the fog.

This past year has been one of great steps forward.  I spent much of the year feeling quite optimistic about our hope to grow our family.  There were a couple months when I felt the best I'd felt about growing our family since before we started trying and I (foolishly) assumed that I'd moved safely past the worst of it.  But then there have been a few months that have been the hardest months since early on and, in some ways, these months have been THE hardest ones yet.

I've been re-reading, upon Nathan's suggestion, Pete Greig's book, "God on Mute."  The title pretty much sums up what the book is about.  What are we supposed to do/think/believe/hope when God seems to be on mute?  When there seem to be no answers to our prayers?  Admittedly, there have seemed to be no answers coming from heaven regarding our longed-for children.  It has been quite the spiritual struggle, in addition to our physical struggle, to bear children.  But God has been doing some pretty amazing things in my heart, especially over these past couple weeks...

I am feeling hope again.

I am seeing the light again.

I am excited for 2010, whether it brings an expansion to our family or not (and believe me, this is a big step!).

I found a poem and a verse in this book that I'd love to share.  I've been thinking about them alot lately.  The verse is Romans 5:3-5 (the Message):

 ^3-5There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! 

And the poem:


first
there is
     prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
     miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
     questions
and where there are questions
there may be
     silence
but silence may be
more than
     absence
silence
may be presence
     muted
silence
may be nothing but
     something
to explore
defy accuse
     engage
and
this is
     prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
     miracles. . .

(Greig, Pete; God on Mute; p.29)