I am Middle Child, Hear Me Roar! (or maybe just meow, if that’s what you want)

Yesterday I caught a snippet (what a wonderful word – “snippet”) of something on TV. On this program, they were talking about birth order and how the timing of your birth (in relation to your siblings) affects you and your relationships. I’ve always been fascinated by learning how people are shaped and why they are the way they are. It’s SO interesting to recognize different types of environments that mould you into who you are.

I am a middle child. I am 13.5 months behind my sister and 23 months before my brother. As a child, I enjoyed and fully took advantage of this position. My sister and I would gang up on my brother. Then a couple years later, my brother and I would gang up on my sister. I was never really the one being picked on because I always knew how to be on a side…there’s that telltale middle-child trait – being able to make everyone think that I’m just like them.

As I got a bit older, into junior high, my sister’s grades were better than mine. Mine were still in the 90% range, but it was low – mid 90’s instead of mid-high. As a middle child, I never really tried in school because I didn’t want to try my hardest only to feel like I was being compared to my sister and be found that I fell short (no pun intended). I shrugged off school-work and did what I could without trying too hard. (I’m sure this wasn’t the only reason I didn’t really try…I did have better things to do, too!) And just so you all know, I still did quite well in school…just none of that “above-and-beyond” stuff. J

I remember one joke that was made sometimes at home when I was about 13. I found it (and still find it) pretty funny. At that time, both my sister and brother had braces and glasses. I had neither. I remember my dad saying, “Poor middle child, so deprived… doesn’t get braces or glasses.” I just laughed and was so glad that I didn’t have to have either. I didn’t feel left out at all, instead I felt privileged. I felt like there was something that set me, as the middle child, apart from the rest.

I have sometimes wondered if parents are ever found to relate to the child in their family who matches their own birth-order? For instance, a first-born parent relating more to their first-born child. A last-born parent relating more to their baby. I was lucky enough to grow up with two middle-child parents. I’m not sure if that made any difference, but whenever there was any joke of me being the “forgotten” middle child, my parent always made sure that I didn’t feel like anyone else was favoured over me. They were always very careful about making sure that we three kids never felt like any of us was more important to them than another. Growing up, I never felt like being in the middle was a disadvantage at all. I always loved my place in the family.

Getting up into senior high, I found myself in quite the amazing group of friends. Teachers had always said that I was a leader among my peers, but I didn’t see it and found myself following a lot of the time so as not to be shunned. Again, I was trying to make everyone think that I was just like them in a desperate attempt to make everyone like me. If someone didn’t like me, I felt terrible…it was like I had personally let them down.

As I moved on to Bible college, I found myself in a position I had never been in before. I was the only one from my town to ever have gone to this particular school. I was no longer a middle…I was a first! I felt special and like I had something to prove. It was an interesting feeling. I liked it!

Soon after entering Bible college, I started dating a first-born and then got engaged. A first-born and a middle. Not a bad combination at all. The first-born likes to win. The first-born likes to convince. The first-born likes to do well and to make decisions. The middle likes to go along with the flow. The middle likes to blend in. The middle likes to agree and make sure everyone is happy and doing well… (though in marriage a lot of agreeing meekness goes out the window and we discuss certain issues with energy – like does God know everything that is going to happen to me in my life? Nathan hears my thoughts!) In a first-and-middle relationship, there is a danger of the first-born dominating the middle, but I am married to a pretty easy-going first-born who will be successful and do well, but isn’t controlling at all. And I am a middle who, while I like to make others happy and go along with what they want, I won’t let someone walk all over me.

So as a middle-child who’s now an adult, I find myself agreeing with what others say alot. I find myself not reaching for the stars in case I come in second. I go out of my way to not upset people and to avoid confrontation…though I am getting better at standing up for myself if someone hurts me or takes advantage of me. Usually, I find that I genuinely have no preference when someone asks which restaurant I want to eat at, or which movie I want to watch, because I’d just as soon eat or watch what they’d choose. But I love my comfy place in my family. I don’t ever get cold or lonely ‘cause I’m cozy right in the middle. I am both a little sister and a big sister. I get taken care of and I care. I wouldn’t choose any other place! (and not just because I might offend someone if I did)