This and That

I just wrote a long post about our house. About how it's been on the market for 5 months already. About the questions that have gone through my mind in the last few months because of it. It was a pretty rough post. And then I didn't feel good publishing it because I'm sure if I'd prayed before I wrote it, it would have sounded quite different.

Do you ever get so worked up about something that you just get frustrated and you write it all down and then you go away and pray and sleep and do whatever else it is you do when you feel like that and you come back feeling much more... calm? At peace?

Yeah. Me too.

The truth is, deep down I am quite frustrated that our house hasn't sold yet. Honestly, I do have questions for God about why my house sits empty while other houses are selling quickly. I sometimes feel like we are somehow disqualified. Did we break a rule somewhere along the way and have been given the penalty of having to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else's house sell and not ours? It feels like so many people are being provided for in the easiest, most obvious way, and we have to wait, month-by-month to see how it will all work out.

Nathan and I have recently been re-reading the book "Sex God" by Rob Bell. In it, he often says that things aren't usually about what they first appear to be about. Often "this", that is what we see, is actually about "that", something we don't see. I'm not sure the feelings about the housing market sideline are really about selling our house... or if they're about some kind of foggy "that".

I sometimes feel that way about having kids. I often feel like we're disqualified. I feel like we'll always be the couple who rejoices with others but somewhere along the way we missed a step and are benched on the sidelines. We got lost and now we're not where we expected to be by now. What is holding us back? Did we do something? Did something happen when our life stories were written where that part was forgotten? Does our life have some sort of a child-bearing glitch?

Don't get me wrong. I am incredibly blessed. I have many more blessing than I can count. So why is it that sometimes, when there are TWO things that I haven't been able to have, I feel like I'm being so...

punished?

left out?

ignored?

Because it's obvious that I'm not. I have a wonderful husband. We have two loving, caring, God-fearing families. We have good health and food to eat and a place to lay our heads. We even have those little extra things that not everyone has like a car, clothes, and a community. What right do I have to complain?

And yet it hurts. I'm not sure how to pray for these things. I'm not sure how to move on without them. I'm not sure what to think about them. But I do think about them. I think about them alot.

Sometimes life just doesn't have answers. Not having answers is usually ok with me but sometimes, very rarely, it just makes me want to explode. I get so curious and frustrated and my head starts to hurt with all the thoughts swirling around.

Sometimes this is really about that. Sometimes house selling frustrations are really about something else. Sometimes struggles with infertility are really about something else. I'm not sure exactly what that something else is yet. I'm not sure where God is going with this...

but I'm on the road to find out.

Exploring...questioning...feeling. Life is full of that. If our houses sold right away, what would our faith look like? If we conceived in the blink of an eye, that would be WONDERFUL, but would some of us take our children for granted a bit more?

Hmm... do you have a "this" in your life that is really about "that"? What is stretching your faith today?