Honestly

Twice in the past week I have been thanked by people for being open and honest, both from my blog and from real life. Though it may not seem like it to anyone who has read my blog for the past year, it is tough for me to be open and honest all the time. To be completely honest, I am not always completely open here in the blogger world. : ) Shocking, I know.

But I do find value in being open. I find great encouragement from others who are open and honest. I believe that God has called me to be open and honest. So open and honest I will be.

Our move.

Where do I start? Hmm...

I have had alot of fun since moving here. I have made wonderful friends and fun memories already. It's only been 5 weeks since we've arrived. Five weeks! SO MUCH has happened!

The first week was full of energy and excitement. I was excited to be here. I was excited to get all settled into our new life. I was excited to get to know people and to get into the swing of things.

The second week is when my energy began to die. Quickly, I know. I'm an introvert and first weeks anywhere - except at a monastery - are generally filled with people, people, people! I recognized this pattern in myself a while ago, though, and knew that this was to be expected. I looked forward to week #3 when my energy would begin to climb again, like it always does.

The third week, as predicted, my energy climbed and I made more fun memories and got to know people better.

By week four I was feeling quite drained again and like the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with people. I just wanted to jump on a plane and see people I knew, who knew me, who I was comfortable and at home with. I didn't feel at home here and felt like I couldn't relax. Tough week.

Week five, probably the toughest yet. I just couldn't seem to get enough sleep. I was sleeping fine at night, but one night I slept for almost 12 hours and then was ready for a nap an hour after getting out of bed. I was just always tired (from so much new and so many PEOPLE!). And with tiredness came stress. And with stress came...more stress! This was my second week of not wanting to see anyone around here. I would hide out in our apartment because seeing people outside just drained the energy out of me. The energy that I was already sadly lacking. I just so badly wanted things to feel like home already.

Ok, I can stop talking in past tense now. This is still how I still feel. I want this to be home. I want familiar people. I want familiar places. I want to know the people around me. I want the people around me to know me!

See, I have this impression that I make on people when they first meet me. (tell me if I'm right) I am quiet. Is that the impression that I made on you when I first met you? See?! I'm right! The thing is, I'm not that quiet! Well, I AM quiet, but not as quiet as many think. So I end up feeling trapped in the "quiet box." Like after I make the first impression of being quiet, people assume that I am always quiet and shy and that I must not have much to say. BUT I DO! So there is where the energy-drain comes in. Have you ever felt like you made an inaccurate first impression on someone and you're not sure how to break out of that box that they have you in as a result? I feel like I'm in that box! Throughout school, many teachers and adults would have described me as quiet and shy, but among my friends, I was usually quite talkative and, sometimes, the center of attention. I actually enjoy being the center of attention, though I don't usually do things to put myself there these days! In high school, I was part of the "core" of the youth group. I initiated things. I was part of things. I wasn't really ever the quiet one in youth. Sure, I was known as a "contemplative" and "thoughtful" one, but not "quiet" the way I feel like people see me now. Quiet back then was a character trait that perfectly complimented who I was and didn't overshadow the real me. Now, I feel like many people can't look past it to the fun-loving, vivacious person that I really am!

So, honestly right now, I love it here some days and hate it other days.

Honestly, I've already looked at plane tickets away from here.

Honestly, I've come close to counting the days until graduation.

Honestly, I often feel trapped in a "quiet box."

Honestly, I desperately want to smash my "quiet box" to pieces (smithereens actually) and let people see the real me.

Honestly, deep down I am excited about the next two years here.

Honestly, I am excited to get to know the people here and for them to get to know me.

Honestly, being honest scares me sometimes.