Three Years.

(I've debated posting this...it's not something that I talk about alot, especially after so long, but I wrote it a couple weeks ago, with the intent to post it once it had been three years and now that it has been, like I said, I'm debating. But I do want to be honest and I know how validated I felt my feelings were when I heard other people share. Therefore I want to share so that other people will know that they are not alone either.)

1095 days.

156 weeks.

36 months.

3 years.

Three years is a long time. Perspective? The difference between high school grad and third year university. The difference between 13 and having a driver's license. The difference between childhood (9) and puberty (12). The difference between timid little pre-schooler and confident third grader. The difference between newborn baby and walking, talking, eating little kid. Three years feels like a long time.

So much has happened in the last three years. Three years ago we were starting our second year of youth ministry. Three years ago we got Lennox. Three (and a half) years ago we bought our house. We are in such a different place than we were three years ago. Altona still felt fairly new back then. Our house was still becoming home. Now we've been through a year of many changes and live 3260km away. We were youth pastors. We are now full time students in another country. How can things change so much in three years?

Through all of the changes, we've been "trying."

year one: started trying with sheer excitement, thinking I would be a mommy in 9 months, or surely within the year. at 6 months came fear that things weren't happening, but peace that God's timing would be perfect, and surely that would mean a child within a year from that point. year ended with near panic attacks at still not having conceived and wondering if God's timing was real and what was going on.

year two: huge mix between hope - that "things" would happen soon - and fear - that "things" would never be able to happen - and anger - that "things" hadn't happened yet and that God doesn't even promise that "things" will happen at all. lots of fear, lots of panic, lots of desperation and bargaining and bitterness and anger and sadness.

year three: fear and panic has been, for the most part, replaced with patience and peace. still unsure what life would be like without children, but ready to explore this possible turn of events. still days with tears and heartache. still days of panic and anger. lots of mourning of the motherhood dream. lots of trying to accept that God's will is perfect (and questioning what that means and how/if God is even involved). lots of questions and able to actually thing about them more objectively.

year 4: what will it bring? despite being poor seminary students, there is no "pause" button. if it happens, it happens. we've come a long way from the first few months when we were trying to plan the months of our children's birthdays (and the spacing between children and even number of children for that matter!). it just seems absurd! after this much time, it is so much less about the timing or place of the birth and so much more about the miracle of that birth in itself. I don't care if we have a baby right smack on December 25th! as long as everyone involved is healthy.

Having been through these last 1095 days...156 weeks...36 months...3 years, I am glad for what I've learned but, given the option, I am not sure that I would volunteer to do it again. I would never wish this struggle on anybody...and yet there are so many women who are hurting and struggling in their attempts to grow their families. Infertility. Miscarriage. Still birth. I don't understand why there is such pain surrounding something so precious. It doesn't seem fair. It isn't fair. Life doesn't promise to be fair (yet I so often wish it would!).

Is this what the curse was talking about? Physical pain in childbirth as well as other heartbreak surrounding pregnancy and fertility?

Genesis 3:16
To the woman he said,
"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;

with pain you will give birth to children."

*sigh* I'm just not sure what life would look like without children and grandchildren...maybe God has something different for me than to be a mother? But how could I have made it through my entire life so far without feeling called to something other than motherhood if that's not what God has for me?

I have no conclusion to this. It feels like I'm leaving this post hanging. I guess I am. There aren't really any conclusions in my mind either so I guess here's to the beginning of year 4! We'll see what happens!